Cid's Legacy, As Told By Cid
by The Management
Summary: Grandpa Cid is stuck babysitting his grandchildren. To occupy time, he decides to tell them his lifelong legacy...
1. Damn, you kids are ugly

Author's Notes

THE VERY FIRST STORY I'VE WRITTEN! If you haven't noticed, I'm happy. Very happy. Or maybe that's the booze…

It's probably the booze.

Anywho, I hope you guys enjoy.

…apologies to "A Modest Destiny".

Disclaimer: …even if I didn't write this, I'm broke. This story is all I've to my name. Lawyers don't like broke people… do they?

The doorbell to Old Grandpa Cid rang, then burst open with two young children running in and a young man closely following. "Grandpa!" the children cried as they saw their ancient grandfather. "Damn, you kids get uglier every year…" Cid muttered under his breath.

"Sorry Janice couldn't make it, but she did send this nice bunt cake." The young man said to Cid as he handed the cake to Cid, who refused to take it.

"That wench hates me! I've seen the way she looks at me with those beady little eyes, and that…look! That cake's probably #$in' poisoned! She's a whore, too, y'know…" Cid's son sighed. "Dad, Janice is _not _a whore." By this time Cid's grandchildren were pressing their noses against his glass spear display case.

"She can't fool me! Remember when I had to do the #$in' laundry for y'all? I had to clean her damn #$in' undies! The $#in' 'How to Wash' tag was #$in' bigger that what covered stuff up! She's a $$in' slut!" He yelled, waving his walking stick around. The young man looked at the ground and shuffled his feet. "Actually, Dad, those, umm… those were mi-"

"She can't #$in' fool the Cidmeister!"

Cid's son dropped the subject. Instead, he changed it.

"I've missed you, pop." He said lovingly to his father, opening his arms in a loving embrace.

"Touch me, and I'll kill you. An' how many #$in' times have I told you not to call me pop!" Responded Cid. He then gasped in horror. "HOLY JUMPING MOTHER OF GOD! Get those damn kids away from my spears! Those are MY #$in' spears! Dan, get those #$in' little freaks away from my spears!" He hobbled over to his grandchildren and proceeded to whack them repetitively with his stick. "Damn #$in' monkeys! Go! Vanish! Be #$in' gone!"

The two children were away from the spear case and safely under their father's arms. Dan looked at his children and they gazed back. "Hey kids, have I ever told you how your grandpa saved the world? How neat-o is that?" Cid puffed his chest out proudly. "Actually, twice, but who's countin'?"

His grandchildren gazed in awe at their Grandfather Cid. One said: "Grandpa Cranky used to be cool?" The other said: "Naw, I don't believe it."

Cid glared at them. "'Course I #$in' saved the world! D'ya think I got those $&in' spears bowlin'!"

"Actually Dad, this one's a mop."

"Shut the hell up."

"Okay Dad."

Cid struck a pose. "It 'twas a #&in' long time ago, when I was a strappin' young 'un…"

"Dad, could you watch the kids? I'm gonna go pick up some food."

"HOLY JUMPIN' MOTHER OF GOD NAW!"

"…is that a yes?"

"Hell naw."

"…I'll pick up some cigarettes."

Cid thought for awhile. "Throw in some #$in' booze an' you got a deal."

"Okay then. See ya, Dad. Don't bore them too much."

The eldest grandchild spoke up. "Don' worry, Dad. Grandpa Cranky-"

"It's Cid, you $in' Hellspawnicy Demonchild from Hell!" Cid shouted, hitting the kid on the head with his stick.

"-is gonna tell us how he saved the world!"

"Twice."

Dan sighed. "Okay, go ahead kids, but don't say I didn't warn you." He grabbed his keys and left the house.

Cid's eyes gleamed happily "It was a $in' long time ago, when I was younger 'n' yer two-faced mother#in' father over there…"

Author's Notes

How'd you like it? Next chapter coming up soon! I'd say R&R, but you've already read it, so review! Please? I've got cookies…

And to complete this chapter, a word from Cid:

"Shut up! Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA! Arggggggh! DAMN, I'm pissed!"


	2. Never mess with a pissed off Cid!

Author's Notes

HA! The Management is back! Chapter two! Hurrah! R&R, please (but you already know that…right?)!

Oh, and thanks to all who reviewed! It makes me feel all warm 'n' fuzzy inside…

Cid scratched his chin. "As I was sayin', the #$in' story started when I was a strappin' young un' when I decided to join a guild. Hell, everyone in a guild scored chicks, so why the $ not? Well, except for that one #$er at the jewelry store… he kept askin' to polish ev'ryones damn family jewls… #$er…" Cid sucked on his cigarette, blew smoke in his grandchildren's faces, and then continued. "The Thieves Guild always score the hottest chicks, so I decided to start there."

"You didn't join a guild for honor, Grandpa Cranky?"

"#$&#, no! Why the hell would I do summtin' 'toopid like that!"

"What happened next, Grandpa Cranky?"

"How many #$in' times do I have to tell you, $#-fer-brains, that my goddamn name ain't CRANKY!" He whacked the child with his stick. "Anyways, if you'd shut yer #$in' mouth, I'd &in' tell ya! #$$face…"

"Sorry Grandpa Cran- I mean, Cid."

"Damn straight, mother#$$er. Anyways, I entered the guild…"

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

We see a muuuuuch younger Cid walk into the Thieves Guild. To his right, there is a giant sign which states "Thieves Guild" on it. Cid walks up to a cloaked man with an eyepatch, who is accompanied by another cloaked man.

"Hey, buddy, is this the Thieves Guild?" Cid asks.

"Thieves what? I don't know of any guild that supports thieves, do you, Ted?" The man with the eyepatch asks his companion.

"Nope. Never heard of it."

Cid looks at the sign and scratches his head. He looks at the two men who are now staring at him like he's a complete and utter moron. Cid looks back at the sign, shrugs, and walks off through the door while saying: "Oh well, maybe the Warrior's Guild is hiring."

The two men look at each other and burst out laughing. "I've never seen someone fail the first test!"

"I know! That guy must be a complete moron!"

"Yeah, dumbass…"

"I took his wallet."

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"Wow, Grandpa Cid, were you really such a-"

"Say moron, and I'll rip yer $$in' intestines out wit' a toothpick."

"-Not so clever person?"

"I was young and $in' naïve, you little piece of space monkey excrements!"

Cid hollered, while poking his grandson in the stomach with his stick. "Quit #&in' interruptin' or I'll poke yer brain wit' a &in' pencil!" Cid scratched his butt, and then continued. "So the next day, I figured out that they'd fooled the $& outta me. Nobody fools the Cidmeister and $&in' makes it out alive! NO $&IN' BODY! So I formulated a &in' plan, dammit, a #$in' _good_ plan. I made an exact replica of my &$in' god-like body 'n' put a stick up it's ass, then glued the stick to some wheels."

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

We see the younger Cid in a barn, making a life-sized doll of himself. The hair is made of straw and the eyes are X's stitched into the burlap face. The entire thing is stuffed with bricks. It's propped up by a pole, and the pole is attached to a platform with wheels. Cid stands back and looks proudly at his work. "Aha! It's finished! Let's see those thieves see past my ESCAPE DUMMY! Mwahahahahah-" Cid begins to cough and wheeze. "Damn Toby."

We now see the inside of the Thieves Guild. The two thieves from the _last_ flashback (named Ted and Mervin) are next to a window. Ted is speaking.

"Did you try ointment?"

"Yeah, but the damn rash won't-"

"Mervin, look through the window. It's that moron from yesterday. I thought he'd learned."

"Ted, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Does it involve a bunch of topless bikini-girls with no tan lines?"

"…not at this particular moment, no."

"Oh."

"Well, anyway, here's the plan. You sneak behind him whilst I distract him with clever conversation. This time, don't just steal his wallet, steal his pants, too!"

"Right-o, boss-o!"

"Ted."

"Yeah?"

"Never, ever do that again."

The door bell rings and Ted is at the other end of the room, far out of eyesight from anyone coming in from the door. Mervin shouts: "It's open!" The door creaks open and the "Escape Dummy" rolls in. Mervin smiles a huge smile. "Hey, buddy! Sorry about yesterday…" as he speaks, Ted is slowly creeping up on Cid. "Y'know, it's protocol. Don't worry, you're not the first dumba-…person not to pass the first test… NOW TED! JUMP ATTACK!"

Ted flies up in the air, delivering a powerful jump-kick behind Escape Dummy's neck. The burlap bag that served as a head flies off and lands in Mervin's arms. Mervin is staring at the head with a horrified look on his face, mouth agape. Blushing furiously and giggling nervously, Ted walks up slowly to Mervin. "I really didn't think I hit him that hard…" He looked at the still standing Escape Dummy. "…do you still want me to take his pants?" Mervin is still staring at the head, speechless. Ted pokes him. "Okay… I'm gonna go get some lunch. You…um, want anything? No? Okay."

Ted leaves. Mervin is still staring at the head.

Still speechless.

Ted's still gone, and Mervin is still staring at the head.

…still gone…

Ted returns with a "Magical Marvin Mighty Meal" bag in one hand. "I brought you back a drink…"

**END FLASHBACK**

"You sure tricked those thieves, Grandpa Cid!"

"Tricked? TRICKED? I $&in' PUNK'D those mother$$ers! I even got it on tape and sent it to MTV, fer $&&'s sake!" Cid grin grew wider. "Heh, you shoulda seen what I had _really_ done to those $&ers…"

**YES, ANOTHER FLASHBACK**

Mervin is still standing in the middle of the Guild's floor with Escape Dummy's head. He still has the same shocked expression that he had _last _flashback. Ted and one of the Guild's ninjas walk forward.

"Merv! We're back from playing cards! You should've been there! I um…spent all you're money… yeah…" The ninja points at Escape Dummy's head. "Hey, cool fake head, Merv, where'd you get it? I want one too!" Suddenly, Mervin breaks from his trance. "Wh-what? Did you just say 'fake head'?" He examines the bottom of Escape Dummy's head, bricks fall out of the top, as well as the straw hair. "My god, it is a fake head! Wait, that means… GOOD GOD, THE VAULT!"

**DON'T WORRY, FLASHBACK'S OVER**

"Did you really steal all of the Thieves Guild's gold, Grandpa Cid?"

"No, I only stole a third of it." Cid said sarcastically. He whacked his grandson on the head with his cane again. "Of course I stole all of it, stupid #$face of a grandkid!"  
"Did you spend it all on video games?"

"Vider gizwhats? #& no! In my time, there were no such things as them handheld video-whatsits! $&tard. I spent it all on booze and skimpy whores! One of 'em nearly bit off my $&$in' trouser snake when she was givin' me head, #$&&in' bitchwhore…" Cid yawned. "That's why I don't like yer mother. She's a &$in' HOE!"

"Grandpa Cid?"

"What now, $er? If you don't stop interruptin' me, I'll get $&in' pissed! You know what happens when Grandpa Cid gets pissed!"

"…Chinese Water Torture?"

"Damn straight!"

"What happened next?"

"The Thieves Guild started to give chase once they realized I'd stolen their gold. Here's what happened…"

_**Will Cid escape the fearsome strength of the Thieves Guild? Will his Grandkids get a clue? Find out next time in**_

_**The Legacy of Cid!**_

**Author's Notes**

How'd you like chapter two? Any better? Any worse? Anyways, review, please! It gives me incentive to continue! And it makes me feel fuzzy inside…


	3. A Thief's Revenge

**Author's Notes**

Chapter 3, people! I hope Chapter 2 was as big a hit as Chapter 1. I try, people, I try. Oh, and the flashbacks… I _really_ didn't like putting them in present tense, so I'm trying something new. Don't like it? Too bad. Bitch about it in a review.

Disclaimer: F file deleted LAYWERS! (sorry AMD)

"…so once the thieves finally realized I'd stolen their gold, they gave a #$in' chase!" Cid continued, his eyes wide and his hands spread out wide.

"Did they chase you on horses n' had guns n' sheriffs n'-okay I'll shut up now…"

Cid drew in more cigarette and blew it out of his nose. "Damn #$in' straight you #$in' will! Yer grandma interrupts less while #$in' than you do! $#er." He chucked his used cigarette and drew out a new one. He took out a matchbox, drew a match, and lit it on one of the children's face. "Anyway, so I was at the bar where I was tryin' to hook up with the $&in' hot bartendress…"

**FLASHBACK**

"-would look great on my bedroom floor!"

Mervin (the one with the eyepatch) stepped into the bar. "Ha, I have found you! You shant escape me this time!"

Cid drained the last of his scotch. "Yeah, you and whose army?" Mervin smiled happily and turned around, his arms spread wide as he showed Cid. "Why, the army of ninjas I brought along, didn't you see them when I came i-" He turned around, and there was none other than… ESCAPE DUMMY CID! Mervin slapped his face. "Poop." He turned to his army. "Okay, I want you guys to spread out and do what you killer ninjas do! Any questions?"

One ninja raised his hand. "What do we do once we find him, sir?" Cid poked his head out from behind the bar. "Give him a back rub and forty gold pieces!" The ninja shrugged. "Okay, you're the big boss man, move out men!" Mervin chased after the ninjas. "What? NO! I didn't say that! Come back! Please? Oh poop." Once he was long gone, Cid hopped over the bar. "Scotch on the rocks, please." The bartendress glared at him as he served him his drink. "I don't know why I saved your sorry pig-headed ass."

"I'm damn handsome, that could be it." Cid replied as he drained the shot glass quickly and hit the bar. "Get out of my bar before I call the killer ninjas on you." The bartendress replied. Cid choked on an ice cube. "You wouldn't dare!"

"KILLER NINJAS! HE'S IN HERE!" she yelled. A ninja silently dropped from the ceiling onto the ground behind Cid. He grabbed Cid's neck and held a knife in front of it. "I have you now, my preeeeecccciiioooousss…" he whispered in Highwind's ear. "And now you will pay for stealing our gold!" He began giving Cid the most amazing killer ninja massage. You know the one ladies, the kind that makes you wanna piss your pants it feels so damn good. On second thought, maybe not to many of you have had a killer ninja massage…

Cid closed his eyes and his head began to roll around on his shoulders. "Ahh, yeeeeaaahh… that's it… lil' lower, higher, higher…oooohh…thaat's the…spot." He began drooling. Then the ninja silently jumped in front of him and handed him a pile of gold. "Forty gold? For me? You shouldn't have." He stuffed the gold in his pockets.

"Okie-dokie, you're free to go citizen. I hope you learned your lesson. Don't make me have to do this again. Don't go stealing from the Thieves Guild, y'hear?" By that time, Cid had already left with his bags of gold. The thief smiled and waved as he saw Cid's figure run away in the distance. "Gee, what a swell guy…"

**END FLASHBACK**

""You sure fo-"

WHACK!

"Sorry Grandpa Cid"

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

Cid had spent all but one bag of the thieves gold, which he was now carrying as he whistled "The Entertainer" to himself. He was just about to sing "Minomina" when he ran into Ted, wrapped up in a black cloak. "You! Moron! Man I hate with the intensity of a thousand suns! You have something that doesn't belong to you and I want it back!" He jump-kicked Cid in the groin. "MY NUTS!"

Ted laughed. "Oh, they'll get better, your pride however, that's a different story."

**Author's Notes**

So how was Chapter 3? Was it any better? Sorry it took so long to update Chapter 2, so that's why I submitted two chapters at once! Ha!

A Word from Mogkin

"I'm Kupo for Kupo Nuts!"


	4. Sid

AUTHOR'S NOTES 

I'm updatin' like crazy, people! Chapter Four already! But after this one, I'm gonna take a break and look at where the plot is going. Got a general idea, but I'd like to reiterate it with meself.

**Disclaimer:** You aren't actually gonna sue me, are you? (sorry AMD) I OWN NOTHING!

We left Flashback Cid walking downthe country lane in which his nuts had been kicked. He was pissed. Very pissed. And we remember what happens to ninjas when Cid is pissed. "Kick me in the #$in' nuts, will they? Well they'll see what Cid does when the Cid-Meister is pissed! I'll kick_ them_ in the nuts! All of them! Every single last ninja until there are no more ninjas in Kalm to kick in the nuts! ALL OF THEM, DAMMIT!" Cid grumbled to himself as he walked down the small paved road of Kalm. He heard the sound of a blue suit swishing behind him; swishing in a way a tall man would swish were he wearing a blue suit and was running quickly. Cid heard a voice call out behind him: "You there, stop in the name of ShinRa!" Cid turned quickly and threw his hands in the air. "I swear she was sixteen, officer!" A (much) younger Vincent (without the big, heavy metal claw) in a (pressed) blue (Turk) suit stopped him. "You! We have reports that you had dealings with ninjas today, and that you robbed a Guild's vault!"

Cid sighed with relief. "Oh. Scared me for a sec, there... Wait, are you sure it wasn't my evil twin brother?" Vincent scratched his head. "Maybe… I'll get back to you about that one…. What was that other thing you were talking about?"

Cid shrugged. "Oh, nothing."

**END FLASHBACK**

"You had an evil twin, Grandpa C-"

"Watch how you end that sentence, sonny."

"-id?"

"Damn right I did! And that was before it was the $#&in' chic thing to do! Nowadays, ev'ryone has a #$&in' twin that's evil! But in my day, there were maybe only twelve known twins in all of the #$in' Kalm area. That was the most urban part of the world back then! It was something #$in' special! We had to carry licenses once we met! Here's mine." Cid dug into his pocket and produced his wallet and dug for the license. "It's expired now, though… jus' like my $#$in' driver's license." The trio of children all gave Cid an impressed "ooooooh".

"But I was only kiddin' 'bout the whole Vinnie thing. He don't come in 'till later. I didn't know I had an evil twin yet. Pay attention, dammit!" He threw the Evil Twin license at one of the children like a shurukein and it dug into the kid's forehead. He unaffectionately yanked it out and placed it (covered in blood) back into his wallet.

"My twin was tryin' to join a #$in' guild, too, but when you was an goddamn evil twin, you joined an evil #$in' gang of evil people!"

**YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE FLASHBACK ZONE…**

(I couldn't resist)

A Cid look-alike was standing in a looooong line of "goon-like" people in a dark, dank castle. There was a sign on the wall above him: "Henchmen Job Interviews… 36 ½ miles"

"Dammit! I want my $$#in' cup of complimentary TEA! YOU #$&IN' HEAR ME UP THERE! Gimme. My. GODDAMN. TEA!" He shouted up the line.

36 ½ miles and one bouncerlater…

Cid's evil twin arrived at Tooey, the second-in-command of the Skishies and gave him his registration number. "I'm number three thousand, one #$in' hundred, and sixty $$in' seven. Now where. The hell. Is my GODDAMN TEA!" He screamed at the man in the crusty, rusty suit of armor with a pair of pink horns on top.

"We, um… ran…out." Tooey said, shuffling his foot on the ground. Sid's (Cid's evil twin) eyelid started twitching. "What kind was it?" Tooey looked at his feet. "OrangePeikang Spice."

"Did it have honey?"

"…no."

"Sugar?"

"We're too cheap for that…"

Sid straightened up. "Then it's okay!"

"Really?" Tooey asked.

"No."

"Oh. Well, before we start the interview, let me lay down the rules of the henchman: #1. If you fail your lord too many times (this includes failing to complete tasks in which you had no idea you were given and failing to remember to bring him his nighttime tea) then your contract, and your life, will be terminated. #2. If you become to smart and/or striving and are a threat to you lord, your contract, and your life, will be terminated. #3. We reserve the right to terminate your contract and/or your life if your lord so does please." He smiled at Sid. "So, any questions?" Sid nodded. "Yeah, umm,so how's the dental?"

"Full coverage. Your health is important to us. Ready Eddy?"

"…if I'm #$&in' workin' for you, never, EVER say that $# again. Git it? Got it? Good."

"…fine. Ready?"

"$&$ yes."

"Okay. You need to pass this seventy-five question exam in fifteen minutes. Absolutely no pressure. No cheating and good luck!"

Sid sat down. "No damn problem, just a test on being evil…"

Question 1:

Name?

Sid Lowland

Question 2.

You find a good guy. Do you:

A. Let him go

B. Tell him the plan

C. All of the above

Sid chose C

Question 3.

Two horses leave a stable traveling in opposite direction. One horse (Horse A) is carrying a chariot of fire and is traveling at an average speed of 15mph, but stops to graze and take a pee break every ten minutes. The other horse (Horse B) has a slight limp, but manages an average speed of 10mph. At Stop C Rider Z trades Horse B for Penguin Q. He rides Penguin Q to Town LMNOP, in which gate guard X repeats "Welcome to Hill Town!" whenever Rider Z asks for directions. Meanwhile, Rider P stops at Town QRST, where he proceeds to purchase Fuzzy Dice E and Coffee A… what is the average air speed velocity of an unladed swallow?

A. African

B. European

C. All of the above

Sid chose B.

Sid looked over at the desk next to him and copied what the person next to him wrote for question 4.

Question 5:

What do you get blah blah blah…

Sid copied Question 5's answer too.

Question 6:

(copycopycopy)

Question 7:

(copycopycopy)

At this point, the person sitting next to Sid got wise that he was being copied from. "Oi! Quit copying me!" Sid glared at him. "I am doing no $&$in' such $#!"

"Are too!"

"Are $in' not!"

"Check your last answer."

Sid looked at what he'd cop- wrote. It read:

I am a poor pathetic moronic stoopid loser who does not even look at what he has copied. By the way, I spelled stupid wrong. Pity me.

"I got 'All the Above'." Sid said.

"LIAR! It wasn't even multiple choice!"

Tooey came up and stood between the two. "Okay, what seems to be the problem." The person sitting next to Sid pointed at him. "He's copying me!"

"Is this true, Sid?"

"Nooo…"

"Ah, a liar and a cheat! Sorry, Sid, we have no place for the likes of you in henchmen work." Sid look at the ground, disappointed. "No siree-bob! Your more suited for management! Welcome aboard, Sid!"

Tooey took Sid by the hand (which he retaliated by kicking Tooey in the nuts) and brought him to the "Leaders Hall" which looked like all the other halls, except it had pink linen curtains on the dungeon walls. "Okay," Tooey said. "Let me explain how things work here. You control a small squad unless I put you on assignment, where you work with me. You take that group and wreck havoc in Kalm and any other surrounding towns. Once you're done, report to me. Gimme anything shiny that you find. Once you report to me, I report to Tookie-Tookie who talks to me through the mirror in my bedroom. He wears a black cloak and the room gets really dark when he talks to me so I've never seen his face."

Sid looked at him with a look that said: "And I work for _you?_" He cleared his throat. "So lemme get this straight. I report to you, and you report to some #$ed up voice in your mirror."

"Yup."

"…riiiight. Slip some of the $$ you're drinkin' in my tea sometime."

"Tookie-Tookie is real! He sends cards and fruitcake at Christmas! Last year, he sent a moose!"

"Seriously, lay off the booze."

"…anyway, your uniform is about to come, so here's a picture of the Skishies most worstesteringest enemy, the Silvah Knight that you can put in it so you can remember what he looks like."

In the picture, Tooey is tied up onto a tree and is smiling like it's his 5th birthday. The Silvah Knight (who is red) is threatening him with a long and very pointy sword. Sid glanced at Tooey. "Why the hell are you smiling?" Tooey giggled. I couldn't help it! I'd never met someone famous before!"

Suddenly, a box falls in front of Sid. "Welp," Tooey said (which was followed by Sid kicking him in the nuts and telling him never to say that again) "there's your uniform… heeeeyy… how come you got a cape?"

"Oh, this snazzy lil' piece of fine $#? I called the #$in' blacksmith and ordered some improvements on it. Thought it would pick up more hot chicks." Sid replied as he walked off to his new room.

Tooey glared at him. "If you think a cape makes you more attractive towards the opposite sex, you are seriously mistaken!" then he turned around and snuffled his nose a couple of times in jealousy and sadness.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

"Grandpa Cid, if you didn't know your twin existed, how do you know what he was doing?"

"He told me just before we switched personali- DAMN! You almost made me #$ing give away part of the $&in' story! Asshole!" Cid whacked his grandkid with his stick. "Anyway, now I'll tell you how I joined the Warriors Guild…"

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

How's chapter four? I liked it… Review, people! I'm taking a break from writing this for awhile… see you later. Oh, and thanks to Jermseh for being the first person to review, and making me one of their favorite authors!

YAAAY JERMSEH!

Also, another thank you to Embrace-the-Darkness for making me one of their favorite authors!

YAAAY EMBRA-okay that doesn't work as well as Jermseh… well thanks for the support.

TOODLES!


	5. Something unrelated to the plot

**Author's Notes**

Due to the high demand, my vacation from writing is officially over until Thursday. On Thursday, then you can beg 'n' bitch aaaaall you want, but I WILL NOT GIVE IN! Dammit, I wanna vacation, and dammit, I'll get it! Due to a request from Banana Peel, this chapter will have absolutely no relation to the story, but will involve random things blowing up, and a car chase. I try to make everyone happy. Sorry, Banana Peel, I would've put it in with the story if I bleedin' could, but it jus' don't fit 'n' she's losin' power, cap'in!

…I couldn't resist…

**End Author's Notes**

Disclaimer: Meesa no own, yoosa no sue (apologies to AMD & Monty Python)

Cid drove with the intensity of a madman. Beside him, a little old lady walking her dog on the sidewalk exploded for no reason, just like nearly everything else today. Cait Sith was in the back seat, sticking his head out the sunroof and shooting enemy cars with his 12 gauge shotgun. "Suck shot!" he would scream manically as he blew the head off the driver of a grey '05 Mustang Convertible. "Y'know, Cait," Cloud said as he whimpered in the back seat, his head on Tifa's laarge chest, "They weren't with the Shi-"

"Who cares!" he screamed back as he shot another old lady crossing the street. "That's for J-Walking, BITCH!"

Vincent had his head out the window and was doing the same with his Sniper CR, except his remarks were more along the lines of "I'll see you in Hell, cretin!" or "Die with the pain that I suffered from the loss of Lucretia!"

Barret was doing the same as Cait Sith and Vincent, holding off as many people as he could with Cait's fluffy ass in his way. "Man, move the #$in' fluff afo' I set yo' robotic ass on fire an' thro' it inna middle of the damn street!" He yelled at Cait as he pushed him aside.

"I would if I could, but I-"

"You've been cheatin' on yo' #$#in' Fatkins diet again, haven't you?"

"…yes."

"Sorry fat ass mutha#$$er…"

Cloud was curled up in a ball on Tifa's lap sucking his thumb.

Another streetlamp exploded. The contents of an exploding trash can flew onto the road, and a stray banana peel made one of the black Mercedes Benz's fly off course and run over a random cripple. "Damn!" Cid cursed to himself, "Those damn squirrels are really in' determined to get their $#in' imported tea back, aren't they?"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Barret yelled at him. "You jus' now $$in' figurin' that out?"

Cid looked at Barret via the rear-view mirror. "Don't make me stop this #$#in' car."

"Shut up. We all know you wouldn't, foo'." Barret snapped back.  
"Don't #$$in' #$$ with me, $#$er!"

"Gee, Cid," Cloud whined. "You broke a record there."

"Shut the hell up!" Cid, Barret, and Cait all shouted at the same time. "Fine. I will. See if you like it when I'm go- what the hell do you think you're doi-" Cloud never got to finish, because at that time, Red XII had thrown him against the rear window (which was now blown out from thousands of bullet holes) as a human shield from the thousands of bullets hailing the red PT Cruiser (Limited Edition, foo'!).

The army of black Mercedes Benz's advanced on them. The Cruiser turned left in a right turn lane. "Geez, Cid! Calm down! This is no need to break the law!" Aeris said, tsking. Cait Sith (the moogle part) kicked her in the jaw. "Shut up or I sick Sephy on you!"

"Fine." Aeris pouted. A Bettle Bug exploded next to them for no reason, along with a pigeon about to crap on the Cruiser. At this point, Zidane from FFIX ran out for no reason, pointed at them and shouted "Pigeon turd alert!"

Instead of pigeon turd, pigeon guts and brains landed on the windshield. Definitely not better, Cid thought as he turned the window wipers on in the front and the back. Cloud's face was right where the rear wiper went up. "Ow." He said as it came up. "Ow…ow…ow…" the window wipers blew up in Clouds face for…

You guessed it. No damn reason.

"Damit!" Red, well… is it yelped, said, or woofed? Or is it purred? Maybe it's wurred, a mixture between woofed and purred? Yeah! Maybe that's it, 'cause he looks so much like a cat _and_ a cute lil' puppy dawg that'll rip your face off if you piss it off enough.

Anyways…

"Dammit!" Red wurred, "Our human shield just fell out the back, Cid!"

"Then make sure they all #$in' die before we run out of gas! Those prices are just to #$$in' high to stop, 'cause my credit card just expired." Cid retorted.

A group of killer Chocobos and moogles started advancing on the Cruiser. "Waaaarrk!"

"And those interest rates are just too high anyways!" Tifa continued.

The group of killer Moccabos (moogles & chocobos) came in faster. "KuuuUUUuupooOOoo!"

"And those hidden fees can be a leech on one's throat when they are paralyzed and cannot remove it as it continues to suck your valuable blood, and more of your precious crimson substance bleeds out through your amputated arm, staining the bleached white of the laboratory's floor and your sworn enemy, the man you murdered your beloved, is standing above you, laughing, and laughing, and laughing!" All eyes turned to Vincent after this comment, and not a creature was stirring, not even a moose.

"I mean, they're a real pain in the ass, right?" Everyone muttered their agreement and went back to maiming their opponents.

Meanwhile, the Moccabos flew in quicker. "Wwuuuuupppooo!"

"Relax, foo's. I gots the Capitol One 'No #$#$in' Aroun' Wit' Me, Bitch!' card wit' zero percent interest, or my rims back." Barret reassured them. The killer Moogles screamed in agony, and fell from the sky, landing on the black Mercedes Benz's, shattering their windshields and driving them off course, while the Chocobos just exploded next to them..

Everyone was speechless.

"…well…" Red wurred.

"Yeeaah…" Cait confirmed.

"So…?" Tifa continued.

"Yup." Cid said, and pulled into the nearest gas station. "That was, ummm…"

"Too easy?" Vincent said, brushing himself off. "Indeed you are correct. It was I, however, who had planned the whole Capitol One commercial. They gave me a shiny nickel for it." Valentine continued as the (newest) ShinRa building behind them blew up because of a random gas leak in the Smoking Lounge. I might add that we are not, in any way endorsed to Capitol One or any of it's affiliates. I do this for free. "Therefore," Vincent continued, "I saved us all. I have atoned for my sins, and shall commit more so I can sleep in my box. I like my box…" He turned into Chaos and flew away.

Meanwhile, a bloody, mangled, and generally bruised Cloud crawled up to Tifa. He didn't alert her of his presence until he saw up her skirt. Once he had taken a picture (awww, a Kodak moment!) (we are not endorsed by Kodak), he tapped her ass and smiled, then quickly frowned, and pretended to be in complete agony. "Aggghh… Teefa… heelppp… meeee."

Suddenly, the wheelbarrow man from Monty Python's Holy Grail walked down the street calling "Bring out yer dead!" A tree exploded on the other side of the street for no reason. "Oooh, we've got one!" Red yelled, heaving Cloud onto Barret's shoulder. "I'm not dead!" Cloud whined, beating on Barret's back.

"What was 'at?" The wheelbarrow man said to Barret, who was holding out eight gil.

"Nothin' foo'. Now take this #$$er afo' I bust a #$#$in' cap in yo' head!" He said, shoving the eight gil into the man's hands.

"I'm not dead!" Cloud screamed again.

"Well, 'e says 'e's not dead!" the wheelbarrow man replied. "I can't take 'im loik 'at."

"Well would you wait around? It won't be long." Aeris said, showing him an elegant leg and biting her lip.

"You are sooooo bahkin' up th' wrong tree, miss." The wheelbarrow man (now referred to as Mervin) said. "Besides, 'ave you looked 'at 'is place? I gottah keep 'ese streets clean!" Mervin said, pointing at all the debris, blood, guts, pigeon turd (at which Zidane shouted "Pigeon turd alert!"), squirrel brains (because AVALANCHE's opponent really were squirrels.), and smoldering Mercedes Benz's hood ornaments, all of which had survived the Random Chocobo Explosion.

"Well," Tifa suggested, "When's your next round?"

"Thursday."

"I think I'll go for a little walk now." Cloud said, and tried to get off of Barret.

"Look, you ain't fooling no #$$in' one." Cid said. "Well, look, is there #$$in' anythin' you kin do?" Mervin glanced around. "Well…"

"I feel fine! I feel happy! I feel- ohmygodI'monfire!" Cloud shouted as he spontaneously combusted. Barret tossed the smoldering corpse on the wheelbarrow. "Thanks, foo'."

"No problem." Mervin replied. "See ya Thursday."

"Sho'."

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

**Author's Notes**

So it isn't the best that I've done, but I wanted Banana Peel to be happy, so I threw it in. If you hadn't noticed, I don't like Cloud much. I don't like Yuffie, either, which is why I didn't even include her in this. Apologies, Mon Amie, if moi has offended you.


	6. At Last, The Warriors Guild!

**Author's Notes**

Wow. That last chapter made a bigger hit than I thought. I thought it was crap. Sorry, Yumesuta, I don't like Cloud. Or Yuffie. SHE STOLE ME LUCKY CHARMS, DAMMIT! Sorry if I offended you. Sakiya, if you can't find the guy who owes you twenty bucks, tell me and I'll rip his_** :file deleted:**_ off with a rubber band! And if it's a girl, well, then yer on yer own…

For all of you following the story, this chapter IS related to it. Relax, there may still be spontaneously combusting ninjas (because everyone seemed to like that), but not nearly as many as last chapter.

Disclaimer: Barret's mah bruddah from anuddah muddah. (sorry AMD & Monty Python)

**End Author's Notes**

"So when are you gonna tell us how you joined the Warriors Guild, Grandpappy Cid?"

Cid whacked his grandchild with his trademark stick-whacking. "Shut the $$ up and you'd know! An' NEVER call me 'Grandpappy Cid' again, git it? Got it? Good." He whacked all the children just to make sure they were paying attention. "So after I was…embarrassed by that #$$#in' ninja person, I was pissed."

"You mean kicked in the nu- ow."

"But there was one… strange thing I notice about the #&$#er. He had a #$$#in' monkey tail! I was sooooo gonna use that $#$# as $#$#in' blackmail later. Anyways, so I entered the Guild…"

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

Cid walked into the Warriors Guild, which was set up exactly like the Thieves Guild. Behind the mahogany receptionist desk, there was a B-E-A utiful red-headed receptionist with an eye patch. "Hey-o, I'd like to join the Warriors Guild, please." Cid said, and then in a much deeper, "sexier" voice, said: "If that ain't too much trouble for ya, baby." And winked at her. She flipped him off. "Sure thing, what're your… qualifications." She interrupted him before he could say anything. "One thing about having a giant spear, and I'll kick yer ass."

Cid scratched his head. "Touchy, aren't we? Well, I've robbed the entire vault of the Thieves Guild, made a complete fool of their guildmaster, and escaped a horde of angry killer ninjas as they were giving me the most aaaammaaaazing massage… oh god, you wouldn't even _begin_ to believe how wonderful it was… gawd, it was like the kind you pay 20 gil every five minutes for… but you wouldn't know about killer ninja massages, they're only open to the public in Wutai…" The look the receptionist gave him told him to shut up. "Actually," she said, "I would. You see, my brother, heh, he's the Thieves Guild's Guildmaster."

"Ah," Cid replied. "I see the resemblance. Y'see, I had no idea eye patches were hereditary…" The look the one-eyed receptionist gave him shut him up again. "No chance that you guys had some sort of… really, really big fight or anything that would make me look reeeeally cool in your eyes? Maybe he might've embarrassed you once, pushed you out of a tree while you were wearing a skirt, ermm, poked you in the eye with a sharp stick? Maybe poked you _doll_ in the eye with a sharp stick? Getting warmer?" She punched him, and Cid fell to the ground. "So, like, ummm, does this mean I can't, like, join the guild?"

"Not at all!" Called a fat, shirtless bald man. "We haven't had someone who was halfway as goodas you in years!"

"Guildmaster Blip!" The receptionist protested.

"Don't listen to Shera over there. It's about time someone kicked her brat little brother square in the pants. Come with me and I'll give you a tour of the Guild." Blip said. Cid turned towards Shera and stuck his tongue out at her.

They made their way through the halls and corridors, Blip told Cid whose room was whose. "This is the sauna. The men's hours are 12 am to 12pm, and the women's are vice versa. Ever go in there during the women's hours without my patented 'Inviso-Ring' and you're screwed."

"How much for it?" Cid asked.

"Ten gil."

"Sold."

They made their way down the hall. "This is the armory. Any and all guild members can use it! That's how nice we are! Unfortunately…" Blip shuffled his feet. "We've had cases where thieves from competing guilds (mainly the Thieves Guild) have joined just to steal our stuff. Therefore, we give the shi- I mean, not so…decent weapons to our newer members, and once you obtain a high enough rank, you are allowed to use any weapon we carry. We've got quite a selection. Here is your first weapon," The guildmaster said, handing him a small stick (the same stick, I might add, that he uses to whack his grandchildren with). "The Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop. It does 1d4 damage, very rare, very powerful."

"It's a stick." Cid protested.

"A very important and powerful stick."

"…it's a stick."

"Well, can't have everything."

They worked their way back to the receptionist's area, in which Shera had begun to shoot rubber bands at the duo. "Okay, as of now," Blip began, "You are a beginner in this fine guild. As you complete quest given to you either from us or from the Quest Table over yonder," he pointed to a small card table with a stack of forms. "Here is your first quest. It is not an easy one. Men stronger and braver than you have coward away from its fierce evilness. Even Reno the Strong and Mighty Drunk fears its awesome evil, even when he's stone pissed! Should you overcome it, I can easily see you accomplishing great and mighty things in this guild." Cid looked unimpressed. "Chicks dig great and mighty things in this guild." Blip said, and Cid's eyes lit up. "Sounds good, send me in, sir! My stick and I will kick some evil ass tonight! What is it?" Blip smiled sheepishly. "Heideggar the Bold had a nasty hangover and some taco shits last night leading to what can only be described as the most wicked and foul thing ever created by man.…" he held out a plunger. "You'll need this Suctiony Staff of Unclogging." Cid took the plunger and kicked Blip in the nuts.

Many hours and a very unhappy Cid later…

Cid walked up to Blip soaking wet and triumphantly swinging the plunger around in a very pissed off sort of way. "I am now done with the most tiring, disgusting, and humiliating task of my life."

"Great!" Blip replied, "That's excellent news! You've earned one job point for that!"

"Which means?"

"You are on your way up! After that, you now only have 19,999 more points left to go for the second rank!" Blip said happily. Cid's eye lid twitched. "You're kiddin', right?" he said. "Ummm… no, why? Is it April Fools day?" Cid's knuckles turned white as he squeezed the Suctinony Staff of Unclogging. He then proceeded to chuck the rubbery end at the guildmaster's face. It stuck. "What did I do? Did I say something wrong? …wwaaait… you _did_ clean this first, right?" Blip said fearfully.

"What's it taste like?" was Cid's reply as he stalked off into the Beginner's Dormitory.

"No, Cid! Come back and get the Suctiony Staff of Unclogging off my face! Please Cid? Pretty please?" Blip shouted after Cid. Shera then walked up, pointed at Blip the Stupidly Courageous and laughed. "Hey, it's not funny! Who knows what kind of foul and evil stuff is on this! It came out of Heideggar, for Christ's sake! Either help me get it off my face, or go away! I don't wanna hear you laugh when I can't even see you!" Shera walked off. "Wait!" Blip shouted after her, "That was a cry for help! Come back!"

Shera was only to be replaced by a random pedestrian in green, who snorted, and proceeded to laugh at Blip. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous! I don't even know who the hell you are! How'd you get in here!"

Several long hours later…

"At last!" Blip shouted triumphantly, "I have freed my face from the damnable Suctiony Stick from Hell! Now I need to apologize to Cid…"

**Author's Notes**

Yes, yes, I say the usual here. Review, even if you think it's crap. Tell me what you like/hate about it. I don't care if it's a flame or not. Yes, Reno will star in this soon, and if you didn't catch it, Zidane from FFIX will, too…


	7. Blip's Apology and the Materia Store

**Author's Notes**

Oh, god, thanks guys. I get reviews from the same exact people every chapter! I LOVE you guys! Oh, Yumesuta, your review made Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper squirt out of my nose and I wasn't even drinking it. God, I love you guys. As a favor, when I start on my next fic, Banana Peel, Yumesuta, and Sakiya, I will feature you three as the MAIN CHARACTERS! Once this is done (which will be a looooong time, I can tell you that!) e-mail me personally and tell me if this is okay, along with what you want your character to be like and look like. Then the four of us can work out a storyline and all that jazz! EEEEGH! Again, I love you guys! Also, thanks everyone else who reviewed! I love you guys, too!

**Disclaimer**: …riiiiiight…

**End Author's Notes**

We last left Blip about to apologize to Cid, and apologize he did.

"Look, Cid, I just wanted to say I was sorry about your first quest. I really should've given you something that was more… fitting to your character."

"Like a bath in acid?" Cid retorted. "Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. Let's just do what we have to do and try not to kill each oth-"

"Wait," Blip interrupted, "You don't like me? I like you-"

"Don't change the subject."

"I personally think you need a hug so you know that you are loved and appreciated in this guild." Blip advanced towards Cid. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Do **NOT** upset the personal bubble faeries. That would be bad. Unless it's by a civil version of that receptionist-"

"That's Shera." Blip said proudly.

"-or the chick at the bar-"

"That's Beatrix."

"There is no way ANYBODY is giving me a hug in this town. Git it? Got it? Good."

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"And that's how I saved the goddamn world twice 'n' got the girls." Grandpa Cid said.

"What? Have you gone senile again, Grandpa Cid?" one of the grandchildren said, who quickly dived behind the couch in an attempt to escape the wrath of the Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop.

"SHUT YER $&#$IN' MOUTH afore I beat the $#&$ outta you wit' Elena!" Cid shouted, and hit the other child to prove his point. "Who's Elena?" one said, "Is she hot?" Cid bit down on his cigarette in anger, but then smiled after he thought for awhile. "Well, maybe one bitch, but not the one I'm talkin' about…" he giggled and poured some more brandy into an ornate shot glass with the Final Fantasy VII logo on itand chugged the bottle, forgetting the glass. "Yer goddamn father better come back soon, I'm runnin' outta #$$#in' cigs… Anyways, no, the Elena I'm #$$#in' talkin' about is my Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop I was given at the Guild when I joined. Me 'n' Elena go waaay back." He giggled at this after he thought of other meanings for it. "Yup, still remember the name I dayed her."

"You mean the-" WHACK! "Nevermind."

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

"So my stick is now known as Elena. FEAR HER POWERFUL WRATH OF 1d4 DAMAGE! Kneel, dammit!" Cid hollered at Shera. Her response: "I hate you."

At this time, Blip showed up on the radar (Yay for pun hell). "Okay, Shera, the local materia store is getting a shipment of really, really shiny (and rare)materia tonight, so we need someone to go over there and make sure The Skishies do not steal any shinies!" He turned to Cid. "To show how much we love you without giving you a hug-"

"Personal Bubble Faeries, bitch." Cid mumbled,

"We are putting you on this assignment."

"No way in Hell bo--wait, you're puttin' me on an actual assignment? Wait, what's the catch? Will they make me do chores?" Cid asked.

"No." Blip replied.

"Materia polishing?"

"Nope."

"Counter scrubbing?"

"Nada."

"…Suctiony Staff of Unclogging?"

"Not after what happened last time."

"Then Elena and I will not fail, you, Sir Blip!"

"Ooh, Sir Blip! I like the sound of that!" Blip giggled.

"It won't last long." Cid replied.

"Wait…who's Elena?" Blip asked. "Oh, gawd!" Shera answered, "He named his stick Elena! Elena, for Christ's sake!" Blip smiled and gave Cid the thumbs up, "Cool, I have a pillow named Mr. Fluffums." Shera muttered something under her breath that sounded like "kill me now"

**END FLASHBACK**

"That's when I met the #$$#in' gay materia store owner…" Cid shuddered. "That was the #$in' worst night of my life."

**RE-ENTER FLASHBACK**

After Cid had gone to his room to change his clothes, Shera turned to Blip. "Guildmaster," she said, "Are you sure it's a good idea to send an amateur idiot on an important steak-out like this?" Blip smiled. "Nope. But I needed Cid to feel fuzzy 'n' loved inside! This is a positive working zone! Besides, no one else would do it… goodthing Cid isn't from Kalm…" He shuffled his feet. "They said the manager made them feel uncomfortable…"

Inside the materia store…

"Hey, handsome. Here to have your family jewels polished?" Was the greeting the hot pink-clad material store owner said to Cid as he walked in. Cid's eye twitched. "Hell. No. Bitch. Touch me, and I'll kill you." The man in pink threw his hands in the air, and smiled. "Okay, okay, handsome. I won't touch your family jewels. By the way, my name's Kuja." He held out a hand to shake Cid's, who whacked it with Elena. Kuja replied with a girlish giggle. "Well, if you don't want your family jewels polished, what do ya need, sweetie?"

"I'm here to protect you." Cid replied.

"Jiminy Christmas! My prayers have been answered! Thank you, Garland!"

"NO! You misunderstood me! I was sent by the Warriors Guild to protect this place from thieves."

Silence.

Kuja perked up. "So you're here to protect my-" Cid pointed Elena at him in a menacing manner. "Say 'family jewels' and you will meet the business end of my stick!"

Kuja gasped. "Goody! FAMILY JEWELS, FAMILY JEWELS!"

Cid thought about hitting him on the head with his stick, but that would just provoke it. 'Save it for the Grandkids,' he thought. He walked over to the lit up showcase and pointed at the piece of materia that had just come in. It was a strange star shape and glowed black, or maybe that was just the florescent lighting… "So this is the Black Materia that's said to be stolen today?" he said. "You betcha, handsome."Kuja replied.

Cid scratched his chin. "I dunno, I though it'd be…" Kuja thought for a moment. "Shinier?"

"Yea, how'd you know?"

"Oh, gay people know everything."

"You know, I've got a good joke that comes with that, but it wouldn't work with you."

"Anyways," Kuja continued,(he held onto his s's) "They say that if you possess and use the Black Materia with enough Mako energy, then you can summon up a meteor to crush the entire planet you're on!" He gasped "Ohmygod, isn't that exciting!"

"Well," Cid said, "Being crushed by a killer comet wouldn't make my day."

"Silly, meteors and comets aren't the same! My hairdresser told me so. By the way, doesn't it look FABULOS! Oh. My. Gawd!"

"It's gonna be a loooong night…" Cid mumbled and pulled out a cigarette. He had just started to seriously smoke once he had joined the Warriors Guild. It was a way to manage stress.

---MEANWHILE, IN THE SKISHIES HEADQUARTERS---

Tooey ran up to Sid, who was watching Exotic Wutain Chix in Chainmail on Starz. "Quick! Sid! Get your armor on! There's something shiny at the materia store that Tookie-Tookie wants us to steal!"

"Shiny?" Sid said "#$#$ right! During commercials."

"…Sid," Tooey replied. "there _are_ no commercials on Starz."

"…shut up."

---BACK AT THE STORE---

Cid started to back away from Kuja. "Okay… I'm gonna… check around the store--- NOT YOUR BODY--- for any suspicious activity. You do your… materia store thing, so long as it doesn't involve family jewels. Git it? Got it? Good."

"Whatever you say, sweet pea."

Cid walked around the store, checked behind counters and such, (which really wasn't hard, knowing that the store is so small) and made sure that Kuja didn't stare at his ass. Suddenly, he noticed a figure in a black cloak inching towards the Black Materia case. He had a monkey tail.

This lead Cid to think it was Ted from the Thieves Guild. "You! There in the jet black cloak with the hood up that leaves your face a complete mystery, skulking around in the materia store after hours towards a materia that will spell utter doom if given to ANYONE wearing allblack! What are you doing here?" The man was dumbstruck. "Oh, umm… I was just picking up some… lead based plutonium solution ziconium… pants. They're… for… a, umm… friend. He hates carrots. Breaks out in a rash when he sees them." He didn't sound like Ted… "Okay, sounds normal to me. Carry on, citizen." Cid replied. 'Damn, I really wanted to kick him in the nuts for what he did to me in the square…'

**ENTER FLASHBACK INSIDE A FLASHBACK**

"Ow, my nuts!"

**EXIT FLASHBACK INSIDE A FLASHBACK**

Outside the materia store…

A group of eight Skishies (including Tooey, Sid, Yuffie, and Reno) were gathered in the back alley of the store. "Okey dokey, guys," Tooey said, "We are currently located outside the Kalm Materia Store."

"No shit, Sherlock." Sid said, who was trying to get tea inside his helmet.

"That hurt, Sid. Anyways, Reno and the rest, you guys will come with me. We are looking for a rare materia known as the 'Black Materia'. Look for anything black and shiny, then nab it. When this is over, we'll poolthem all together and ask Tookie-Tookie which one of them it is. Move out, Skishies! Sid, you stay behind and make sure no Turks are coming, got it?"

"Wait," Sid said, "I don't get to help? I'm in #$$#in' management, dammit!"

"Sid, being a manager isn't all the glitz and glamour they make it. Sometimes, being manager means you have to guard a dirty back alley that smells like monkey pee." Tooey said.

"Damn, they never said that shit in the #$$$in' brochures." Sid replied.

"They never do."

**Author's Notes**

Ah, yes. Chapter Seven. Thanks, Banana Peel for getting me to update. IT FEELS GOOD! Anyways, regulars, do whatcha do, and I hope some new people will review too! Apologies to Kuja fans. I just think he's gay. Deal with it. And for anyone who bitches about how Yuffie, Zidane, and Reno only end up being 16-20 something in the games when this is maybe thirty years before FFVII, they drank a freakin' Youth Drink, or something, I dunno! Red Bull, maybe. (not endorsed by Red Bull)

All Questions will be answered soon!


	8. A Band of Raving Poets!

**Author's Notes**

I've decided that until my "vacation" I will write at least one chapter a day, just for you guys. On the Tuesday following the Thursday that I take off I will continue to write.

Disclaimer: 'nuff said. (sorry AMD & MP)

**End Author's Notes**

"What the biff?" Kuja said quietly.

The skylight of the materia store shattered, and the many thousands of pieces fell to the ground; one hit Kuja between the eyes. "Eieeeee!" He screamed as he fell to the ground unconscious. At this point, while drifting through a nightmare filled sleep,he decided to quit the materia store business and go into world domination and/or destruction. Garland kept talking about positions…

His mind was forever poisoned. A lttle piece of glass is still stuck in there...

The band of Skishies fell through the skylight, all wearing matching uniforms (except for Tooey, who actually got armor). Tooey began to speak as he fell to the ground, and all the rest of his squad fell behind him. "To rid the world of pleasant civilization," he began. "-and to cause the good guys lots of aggravation-" another continued. "To get home to a pissed and drunken nation," Reno added, "-but do it with minimal self deprecation-" Yuffie added. The entire group jumped into a group together. "THE SKISHIES!" they said together. "-ation" Tooey added.

Kuja (who had regained consciousness) gasped and jumped into Cid's arms just like Scooby would do to Shaggy. "Oh my Garland!" He screamed. "We're being attacked by a band of raving poets!" Cid dropped him. "You call that poetry?" Kuja got up and ran away, running into a wall before he made it out the door. Tooey pulled a revolver out of his armor and pulled the hammer back, pointing it at the back of Cid's head. "Hands in the air, mongrel!" he said, then giggled, turning to Reno. "Y'know, I've always wanted to say that." And then turned back to Cid. "Alright, where's the Black Materi--- oh, hey Sid. I didn't recognize you. Except you don't have a family pack of cigarettes in your hand. And you shaved. And you have grey eyes instead of blue. And you aren't wearing your armor with a…cape. And you aren't watching out for Turks like I asked. And you still have your hands up as if I'm an enemy…" He thought for a moment. "Eh, could you excuse me? I need to find something…"

"Like what, your sanity?" Cid replied. "He didn't swear!" one of the Skishies exclaimed as Tooey ran off into the back alley.

"Sid!" he exclaimed, "You've been out here the entire time?"

"No shit, Sherlock." Sid replied. "Have any $#$$in' cigs on ya? I'm $$in' out."

"I just got you that family pack today!" Tooey scolded.

"Well workin' fer a $&#$in' moron who don't know shit from Shinola is pretty $&#$in' strenuous!" Sid hollered back. "Y'know," Tooey pondered, "I always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that…" Tooey began to think…

**ENTERING THE REALMS OF TOOEY'S MIND…**

"He don't know shit from Shino-"

"Hey, I'm the new man from Shinola!"

"…"

**EXITING THE REALMS OF TOOEY'S MIND**

"You know what I like best about meatloaf?" He said. "Everything."

"What the $&#$?" Sid replied. "Well, gotta go!" Tooey said and ran back into the materia store. Yuffie had been talking to Cid (it was a one sided conversation) "-and then he tells me, like, he never wants to, like, ever see me again! Can you, like, believe that?"

"Yes." Cid replied to the dismayed thief. "Oh, Yuffers?" Tooey called from the back, "Can I speak with you in private?"

"Euchk. Fine." Yuffie walked to the back of the store. "What is it?" Tooey checked to make sure no one else was watching them. "Do you work for UPS?" Yuffie looked at him like he was a rabid Sephiroth clone. "No. I like, work for you." Tooey smiled. "No? 'Cause I coulda sworn I saw you checkin' out my package!" SLAP! "Okay, I deserved that… Reno, over here."

Reno swaggered over in a drunk's idea of a straight line (hah! Imagine that!) and puffed on his cigarette. "Yeah boss?" Tooey checked to make sure Cid wasn't eavesdropping. "It appears that guy isn't really Sid." After this statement Reno muttered something along the lines of "Took you long enough, Sherlock."

"I believe that he's some kind of shape-shifter taking on Sid's shape to confuse us." Reno's cigarette fell out of his mouth, not because he was surprised, but because he couldn't concentrate enough sober mind power to keep it in there. "Reeeaally?" he said, dripping with sarcasm. "Yup." Tooey replied proudly. "Figured it out aaaall by myself." Reno cocked an eyebrow. "Zippidy-$#$$ing-Doo-Da." He unscrewed the lid to his flask, swigged the remaining rum and walked away.

Tooey leapt forward, landing directly in front of Cid. "Ha! We have seen through your clever ploy! We know what you're up to, Putty-Face!"

"At least that's one of us." Replied Cid.

"Yuffers!" Shouted Tooey. "Guard him! Who knows what terribly horrible plans he is formulating in his alabaster blood!" He walked off. Yuffie walked back over to Cid. "So I like, told him, 'If you're gonna, like, be this way, then, like, fine."

"HOLY JUMPING MOTHER OF GOD! A three headed monkey!" Cid exclaimed and pointed behind Yuffie. She turned around quickly. "Ohmygawd! Three headed monkeys are, like, not native to Kalm! OH. MY. GAWD!" She scratched her head. "I don't see one. Are you sure you didn't just see a monkey carrying two watermelons?" She turned back around to see none other than… ESCAPE DUMMY CID! "So, like, where was I?"

Meanwhile, at the display case, Tooey pointed at the Black Materia. "Okey-dokey guys. This is the only black thingy here. Swipe it. What the foo. Yuffikins, swipe it all!" Yuffie cheered happily and started grabbing all the materia in sight. The smooth smoothness of the Ice materia, thegentle warmth of the Fire materia, the feeling of Justice in the Knights of the Round materia, it felt so… so…

Dammit, what's the word? Oh yeah. It felt sowonderful that shethought to herself, 'Dammit, it should be MINE!' She began to cackle wickedly in her evil little ninja cackle that I hate. Damnable Yuffie.

Now you know how she got her sick little hobby.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a proud (yet spooky) voice boomed within the materia store. "I am the terror that strikes when Turks sleep!" Tooey dived behind the counter, knowing who the voice belonged to. "I am the sweat on your pillow after one of those 'chase dreams'!"

Reno hiccupped.

"I am that thing you see out the corner of your eye, but are not sure if you know if it is real or not!" Afigure dropped from the ceiling. This figure was garbed in blood red armor and wore a white cloak with the hood up. The eye holes in the helmet burned crimson. It drew a long, pointy sword. "I am," he paused for dramatic affect, "The Silvah Knight, and I will redeem myself for my past sins. I will punish you!" He pointed at the group of Skishies (loyal Yuffers had already left). "Alright, who wants some?" Tooey gasped. "The Silvah Knight! Quick! Reno, Yuffie, Marcellus, ATTACK!" He looked around the room. "Yuffers? Darling Yuffle Stiltskin? Damnable woman." He stood up and glared at the Silvah Knight. "Oh yeah? You think you're so tough with your cool armor and splashy introduction that strikes fear in the hearts of villains! And what's with the name? Huh? You're PINK! And what's with THAT! Pink is _soooo_ not a defender of justice colo-- hey! Put Reno down! He is not a toy!" Reno flew across the room laughing and smashed into the display case, where the Black Materia still lay on its pink padded pillow. "Oh, you think you're _so_ funny, don't you? Well guess what? I'm not laughing!"

After a short fight later, Reno and Marcellus were tied up back to back. "Wiggle not, fiendish crime scum, for it was your appetite for wickedness that has brought forth your three-course meal of JUSTICE! Now I can call the Turks and they can mysteriously find the two of you alone and already TAKEN CARE OF!" Reno turned his head towards Marcellus. "Y'know, man, I've been meaning to tell you. I," Reno hiccupped. "like you."

"Well, yeah. I like you too. You're a great drinking buddy and all, and you always help the guys score chicks."

"Naw," Reno replied, "Oh, Mr. Knight, yeah, could you lit this?" He lifted the cigarette in his mouth with his teeth. "Yeah, that's the-hic -stuff. As I was saying," he turned to Marcellus again. "Naw, I mean I like you, like you."

Awkward Silence.

"Well then."

Meanwhile, the black cloaked person in the store earlier began inching towards the back alley exit. Once he hadexited, he reached within the folds of his cloak and produced the Black Materia. He giggled. "It was a good plan," a voice said behind him. "Too bad it didn't work."

**Author's Notes**

That's right, cliffhanger. Hope this chapter was good, I worked hard on it. Drank extra brandy just for such an occasion. If you liked it, do tell me. If you didn't, shove my Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop (1d4 damage, people!) up where the sun don't shine, then tell me.


	9. The White Clad Man

**Author's Notes**

Yup, I'm back. We have a new member to my "Review Crew", Saddened Soul!

**_The following part of this Author's Notes section is for Banana Peel, Sakiya, and Yumesuta. You can read it if you want, but it has nothing to do with_ this_ story._**

Yumesuta, you know I've already contacted you. If you didn't get my AIM name, it's in my profile. Tell me once you've got it. You can get that stuff off your profile now too, if you want. Also, any… ahem specifications you'd like, just IM me/put it in a review/put it on your profile. Also, Banana Peel and Sakiya, if you can e-mail, mine is posted on my profile. Tell me what your "specifications" should be and ideas for the story-line. I can't do this all by myself, people! One more thing, Banana Peel, I think I know what you're thinkin': "I'm gonna be a banana peel!"

Ahhhh…

No. Sorry, but no. I can't work with fruits or their skins. Sorry. A heads up, I'm not some stalker freak that's gonna kill and/or rape you (BTK guy freaks me out…). If you're uncomfortable with contacting me, that's dandy. I can go on with Yumesuta and my own OC.

Disclaimer: If you've read this far, I don't need to say more.

**End Author's Notes**

In the alley...

"Yes, it's too bad it didn't work. But I congratulate your wit and guile. Now give me that jewel!" The figure had an extremely deep voice, y'know, the movie trailer guy. The kind that sounds like a thirty-year-old guy who's been smoking since he was seven? Ring any bells?

Anyway, it's not that important.His face was hidden by a stark white mask with two small holes serving as eyes. It was garbed in a spotless white suit and wore a black steeple crown hat. Veeery ominous looking…

**Meanwhile in the _other _backalley…**

Sid came back with three family packs of cigarettes, figuring that would be enough for this steak-out. He took off his helmet (which was REALLY big with huge horns on it… BIG horns) to reveal his sweat covered head and inserted a cigarette into his mouth. Then he realized that the fighting inside had stopped, and he grinned. "$#&$in' showtime." He stood up, did that funky fresh jump onto the roof, and looked through the broken skylight…

"Yes, Justice is a cruel, blind mistress. Just as I am bound to you by my duty, you are bound to me by rope." The Silvah Knight lectured Tooey, who had been tied up with Marcellus. The Silvah Knight had figured Reno was too drunk to be of any harm and was incapable of escaping, so he let him go back to the shattered display case.

"Speaking of duty," Tooey replied angrily, "How the hell do you ALWAYS know when we're about to pull a job? I mean, for CHRIST'S SAKE! The Skishies are going bankrupt 'causea you!" The figure of the Silvah Knight seemed to swell with pride (but defenders of justice do no such thing) and smile proudly. "Vigilante trade secret, sorry, no go."

"I'll show you a vigilantetrade secret, bastard." Tooey muttered. Sid silently fell behind the Silvah Knight. "Well, well, if it ain't the goddamn Silvah Knight! I've been looking forward to meetin' your heroic self."

_**Meanwhile, back in the alley this chapter started in…**_

"Yes," the figure said calmly as he walked forward slowly, "Your plan was smart. Really smart. Somewhat smarter than I had originally planned, but less smart than it should have been." He walked forward some more and stood with his back facing the cloaked man.

Above them, Cid watched quietly.

"You knew that those…thieves were planning on stealing the Materia, and following that, the Silvah Knight would undoubtedly show up. Because of this new role in our play, you knew that there would be splashy introductions and a passionate and gory combat production. Given this distraction, you knew you would have the time to steal the Black Materia and replace it with a fake glass imposter." He turned around and faced his opponent. "But no matter, I have you now, and you will give the Black Materia to me!" He held out an open hand towards the _other_ figure (which we will currently title Anonymous Shoplifter of Shinies). "Just one thing," Anonymous Shoplifter of Shinies replied (who will now be referred to as ASS) "How did you discover my daring plan?" The man smiled behind his white mask and held up a sheet of paper. "You dropped your to-do list entitled 'My Daring Plan'. The rest was quite elementary."

_**Back in the store…**_

"Aha! Another minion! Hellspawny Hellspawinic Hellspawn…from Hell! I can tell by his sharp, wicked look, his rancid, eeevil breath, the way he swears, and his Mercedes Benz keys, that he is EVIL!" the Silvah Knight called out and pointed his sword at Sid as he quickly hid the Benz keys. "Have at thee!" He called and lunged for Sid, who jumped away. "Hey! MUTHA$#&$! What the hell was that! That was $#&$in' UNCALLED FOR! I don't look evil, and my breath does not $#$$in' smell rancid, whatever the hell that means! I'm just a really big fan of yours, 'n'…" Sid faked a snuffle, "I was really stressed by work which is why I swear so much, 'n' I kinda saw you through the skylight 'n' thought, 'Gee, the Silvah Knight! Golly Gee Whiz, what wouldn't I get to meet a hero like that!' 'n' so I kinda leapt down here to get your autograph…" he turned around. "But you insulted me. And attacked me. And that really hurt my feelings, Mr. Knight!" He tried to hold back tears of laughterwhile pretending to be devastated. "What kinda stupid defender of justice are you? You're pink! Besides, if I was evil, then I'd be wearing a ginormously large helmet with big cow sized horns on them…" The Silvah Knight looked at his feet and started shuffling them. He walked over to Sid and put his hand on his shoulder. "Man, I'm sorry. You okay?" Sid started to cry from hold back laughs. "Yeah, jus' sumtin' in my eye…"

_**Back in Cid's alley…**_

"I see you have my plans, I assume you read part four section fourteen?" ASS said to the white garbed man. He looked at the to-do list. "Part four section fourteen? Just a second… part four… section twelve… to, to, to, to, to… thirteen, aha! Section fourteen." He read the one word silently and turned his back to ASS. He began laughing. "What? What's so funny?" ASS asked.

Cid silently jumped behind the black cloaked man, armed with his Gnarled Staff.

"You spelled 'dismemberment' wrong."

"Oh, did I?" ASS replied to the white clad man (who will be known as Whitey) and drew four shurukeins from the folds of his cloak. "Good thing I'm better at doing it than spelling it!" ASS shouted at Whitey, andwhipped around. He threw the shurukeins at Cid, who screamed a girly scream of a scream and squeezed his eyes shut. The four projectiles thudded against into their target, but ASS was not pleased. Very extremely not pleased. "What!" He shrieked, "NO! That cannot be!"

_**Back in the store…**_

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, little man. Today's just been such a stressful day, y'know? Fighting crime is a full time job, y'know." Silvah Knight explained to Sid, who straightened up and wiped away his tears. "It's okay… HOLY JUMPING MOTHER OF MARY!" he shouted, causing Silvah Knight to jump. "What's that!" he shouted, pointing towards the darkness. Silvah Knight leapt forward, drawing his sword and pointing it towards the darkness. "What! Fear not, loyal male groupie fan, the…" he paused for effect, "Silvah Knight will protect you!"

Sid began walking towards the shattered display case, calmly looking for something long and hard… heh, that can be converted to a whooooole new level of Hentai Pornography…

"Are you sure you saw something?" Silvah Knight asked, still facing the darkness with his pointy sword drawn and pointed towards the shadows. "Over there, you said? I don't see anything. Are you absolutely su-"

WHAM! "Why does it feel so &$#$in'good to be so damnbad?" Sid exclaimed happily.

He had found an inch thick titanium steel pole near Reno, and after a short battle later, he had yanked it from the drunk's slippery hands and slammed it on the back of the Silvah Knight's head. He then proceeded to untie Tooey and Marcellus. "Righteous!" Tooey exclaimed (to which Sid whacked him with the pole and scolded him for using surfer boy lingo) "You killed him!" Sid shook his head. "Hell naw, man. He's just $$&#in' unconscious, we need to go before he $&in' wakes up 'n' raises some serious pink hell. Poor pink bastard."

"Wait!" Tooey exclaimed, "Let's take his mask off so we can see who he is?"

"It's against the #$&#in' Evil Guide Rulebook. Besides, why the hell would we want to do some #$$&ed up shit like that?"

"…well, y'know…if he doesn't want us to know, it must be important!"

"Maybe he wears a goddamn mask 'cause he's some $#&#in' Elephant Man, y'know, some disfigured sonofabitch like you."

Tooey thought on this for awhile. "Right, don't wanna get nightmares." Suddenly, he turned around and pointed at Sid. "Hey! I am not disfigured!"

"Says who?" Sid retorted.

_**Back in the alley…**_

"NO! That cannot be!"

'You know,' Cid thought, 'Death doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.'

He opened his eyes slowly and looked at Elena, who had become much heavier as of late.

His Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop had four shurukein embedded into it.

"I'm alive!" he shouted enthusiastically. "You know," ASS replied, "I have something to remedy that." He drew a long saber from within his cloak. "Let's see your Twig of Whopped Ass handle against a blade!"

**Author's No-**

"Wait! Wait!" Cid cried to the author, "Let me say one line before the cliffhanger!" The author drummed his fingers against his desk and thought. "But it is the perfect cliffhanger! Adding a line would ruin it!"

"Don't make me bust out Elena on your ink stained ass!" Cid threatened.

"Fine, fine. Go ahead."

"Okay," Cid cleared his throat. "Wait…" Cid had suddenly realized something, the man in white was gone. "Where'd the guy in white go?" ASS groaned angrily. 'A good cliffhanger thrown away!' "That's for me to know and you not to find out 'cause you'll be dead. Dammit, Cid, you ruined the whole cliffhanger!"

"But-"

"No buts, dammit! Who hired you, anyway! Asshole."

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"Did that really happen Grandpa Cid?"

"$&#$ yes! Why the hell d'you think I said it! You callin' me a liar, boy?"

"No-"

WHACK!

"Kiss Elena! Come on, #$#&in' KISS HER! Dammit, you will respect my #$#&in' aut'oritah! Respect it, boy! Come on! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"

**Author's Notes**

Sorry for the bad ending. Thought I'd throw in a few jokes afore the end of chapter nine. Well, Banana Peel and Sakiya, you owe me a character outline and ideas.

Toodles!


	10. The Materia Breaks

**Author's Notes**

Yerp. Chapter ten on the Fourth. Who'da thunk. Celebrate, people. Do whatcha do. Set off fireworks, shoot a terrorist, burn a flag (why DO they do that?), whatever you do. I personally like to play "Blow the Crap Outta Moore".

If yer British, today's the day that I can say this and have an army behind me to defend me from your angry army of Brits…

SHOVE YER TEA WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE, FOO'!

Verzicht: Ich besitze abschließende Phantasie oder keine Teilnehmer. Ich tue dieses Material für freies. Wissen Sie nicht warum, zwar.

Negación: No poseo a Fantasía Final o a ninguna afiliados. Hago esta materia para libre. No sepa porqué, aunque.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or any affiliates. I do this for free. Don't know why, though.

(courtesy of Google Translations)

Oh, and Banana Peel, sorry to make you seem rushed. Take your time.

**End Author's Notes**

"Cid, you are REALLY getting in my hair, y'know? Ruin a perfect cliffhanger, will you…" Grumbled ASS. Suddenly, a flash of light reflected off of the ground as a bullet ricocheted directly in front of him. "Damn." He said as a (much) younger Vincent (before the infamous Lucretia incident) garbed in a blue suit dropped from the rooftops in front of ASS. "At last, I have found you, Murk."

"Aha," ASS said (who we will now refer to him as his alias, Murk). "I see you didn't get enough ass whoop last time, Vinnie!"

"Could be," Vincent replied "But this time I came prepared." He raised his shotgun so it was aimed between Murk's eyes. "Oooh," Murk replied in awe as he stared at the beautiful weapon. "A Shotmaster 1100! I always wanted one of those… just… not… pointed at me."

Back in the store…

"I am _not_ deformed!" Tooey shouted at Sid, "In fact, quite a few women have told me I'm sexy!"

"Like who?" Sid replied, "Yer $#$&in' mother, sister, an' Gran'mummy?" Tooey gasped. "How dare you speak of Old Mother Mabel like that! She was a model! She knew what she was talking about!"

"Then why the hell do you wear that $#$$in' helmet all the time?"

"'Cause I'm evil! All major evil doers have to wear a mask and/or helmet! It's in the rulebook!"

"&$#$ no! That's only if you've got a #$#&in' Secret Identity! You're $#$&in' career, so you don't $#$&in' have one." Sid scolded. "I mean, you $#$$in' wear it while you $$#$in' eat unless it's meatloaf! You grind the shit up and suck it through a goddamn straw."

"It tastes better that way!" Tooey retorted, pointing his finger at Sid, who lifted the pole again and was going to hit Silvah Knight again for good measures, but the body had disappeared. "Darn it!" Tooey whined, "We coulda killed him and put his head on a pole outside HQ!"

"What would that accomplish?" Marcellus asked. "No one would see it, we'd get our uniforms bloody, and it would stink the place up."

"It's in the rulebook!"

Back in the alley…

"Okay, Murk. Gimme the Black Materia." Vincent threatened. "What? This old thing?" Murk said. "Here, catch." He threw the precious materia in such a disrespectful way it would've made Yuffie cry. Cid caught it, and Vincent turned to him. "This is goin' a helluva a lot better than last time." He turned back to Murk. "Okay, now it's time to take you to the big hou-" Vincent then realized he was talking to…

ESCAPE DUMMY MURK!

"Dammit, that's how he got away last time!" Vincent hollered, and jumped back to the roof to give chase.

Back in the store…

"Alrighty- I mean, alright, alright! Don't kick me, Sid!" Tooey said, "Got the Materia?" Reno nodded. "Okay, take anything Yuffers didn't and let's split." He turned around only to find Silvah Knight back on the floor. "Huh… oh well. I'm gonna see what's under the Ugly Man's mask."

Then, of all the times Reno could've had slippery hands and a horrible hiccup, he had to have it now. He hiccupped. His slippery hands let the Materia slip…

And it shattered on the floor.

"Aaargh!" Tooey cried, pointing at Reno. "You broke my shiny! It was so shiny, and yet you still broke it! Do you hate me?" Sid sighed. "Oh shut the $#$$ up! Materia does not break that $$in' easy! We've been $$in' tricked!" Suddenly, Ashton Kutcher jumped out of a nearby closet. "No you haven't, you've just been PUNK'D!" Tooey drew the revolver from out of his armor again and shot the man in between the eyes. "And that was a… a… a warning! Yeah, umm… don't… don't never… ever mess with th-th-the Skishies again! You hear!" Tooey burst into tears. Sid walked up and patted him on the shoulder. "You've never killed a man, have you son?"

"N-n-no…"

"Well,"

"W-well what?"

"Well don't go cryin' like this. A strong man sheds blood afore tears."

"…you mean it?"

"No."

Tooey sighed. "Well, at least this trip won't totally be useless." He turned to the body of Silvah Knight laying unconscious on the floor. The Knight groaned and began to stir. "Quick, guys, lets get going before he regains full con- hey! Sid, put that pole down! What do want to do, give him brain damage?"

"Yes?" Sid suggested.

Back in the alley…

Vincent jumped from the roof in front of Cid. He was wearing the same kind of cloak Ted wore…

And he looked a lot like Ted…

"Damn, Murk got away again."

"You look really familiar. What's your name?"

"Erm… I've never seen you in your li- I mean, my life." Vincent chuckled nervously. "I've been told I look like a famous video game chara-" he was cut off by Cid, who kicked him in the nuts. "Ack, I-I deserved that." Vincent said

"Now tell me what the HELL is going on!" Cid demanded. "Okay, okay, I will. Let's just return the Materia." Vincent (alias: Ted of the Thieves Guild) replied in a high voice. "Fine," Cid pulled out the black orb.

Remember what happened with Reno?

Déjà vu except with a sneeze.

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"Gee, Grandpa Cid, you broke the Black Materia? Did you get grounded?"

WHACK!

"Did I anger some God to get Grandkids as #$$#in' dumb as you? No, shit-fer-brains! I didn't $#$$in' break it! Murk replaced it with a #$$#in' fake one." Cid sighed, and smashed his cigarette butt into one of his child's children's forehead. "Vincent $$in' told me he'd $$ explain it all if I bought him a goddamn martini. First I thought he was coming on to me. $in' turns out he was really just a $#$$in' alchy. AA got him halfway to where he is now…"

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

"Hi, I'm Vincent-"

"Hello, Vincent."

"And I'm an alcoholic."

"Yess, we ssee."

"Gee, guys, why's it so dark in here? Where's the light switch… here it is. Gee, you guys look real pale…"

"Mussst be the alcohol."

"Yeah… my, your teeth are… pointy."

"Well, Vincent, welcome to Anonymous Alcoholic Addiction."

"Wait, don't you just need to drop the 'addiction' part?"

"No."

"This _is_ AA, right?"

"No."

"What is i- heeeey… keep your grounds, man, I'm not into tha- HOLY SHIT, HE BIT ME!"

"Hi Vincent," the vampire said, "I'm Lord Fluffy and I'm addicted to alcoholics!"

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"But that's a #$#$in' story for another $#$$in' day. Well, when we got there, Beatrix wasn't $$in' there. She was on $#$$in' vaca. Instead, someone else was $#$$in' watchin' the $#$$in' bar…"

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

"Welcome, fellow goodly humans! Can I spark your homosapien selves to an alcoholic beverage? Milk, perhaps?" Nanaki asked the two.

**Author's Notes**

Yup, people, Fourth of July. It's 9:57 now, and another fic is on the way!


	11. The TookieTookie Conspiracy

**Author's Notes**

To answer Vincent Art Musicanova's question…

No. Tooey is not mentally challenged. Just huggable.

Disclaimer: See previous chapter.

**End Author's Notes**

"Who are you and where the hell is Beatix?" Cid asked Nanaki. "Mistress Beatrix is out at the moment. I believe she was accompanied by a male suitor. I am known as Nanaki, and I am an intern bartender beginning my lessons here in Kalm."

Awkward silence.

"I'm from the Southwest."

"That explains it!" Cid replied.

"Do you see how seriously _not drunk _I am! Fix it!" Vincent yelled.

They sat down on the bar stools. "So, you're Ted?" Cid said, trying to break the ice before Vincent was too drunk to speak. "No," he replied, "No, no, no, no. I'm Vincent Letterman. I'm engaged to Lucretia Valentine."

"So why's the Thieves Guild after one of their own?"

"No, no. I'm a deep undercover Turk."

"…rouge agent?"

"They docked my pay, and dammit, I'm gonna get revenge."

"Who's your boss?"

"Hojo."

"Don't know him."

"Don't expect you to."

"So what's this with Murk?"

"He's an infamous thief, known all throughout this continent. Probably why you don't know him."

"Probably."  
"He is also a renowned cereal killer. You and I are probably the only two who have seen him and lived!"

"Really? How many people has he killed?"

"People? None."

"…you confuse me."

"I do that to a lot of people. No, not a _serial _killer, a _cereal _killer. He kills breakfast cereal mascots."

"And we…?"

"Aren't. That's why we stand here today. I'll drink to that." He sipped his martini some more. "Anyway, I followed Murk into a Rare Artifacts Museum a couple of months ago. He came out a couple of hours later with a black canvas bag. I followed him into the woods, keeping into the shadows, and got a glimpse into what was inside…" He coughed. "You know, all this talking is making me thirsty…"

"Nan, a martini and a scotch." Cid shouted 'They always wait 'till the good part…' He thought.

"Put one of those little umbrellas in the martini. Yeah, no… the pink one. Yup, that's it."

'Free is a four letter word!' he thought happily as his martini was served with his pink umbrella. "And I saw a moogle statue. More precisely, a golden moogle statue with a ruby nose and a jade pom-pom that looked like it could hold three orbs. I asked my contacts in the underworld exactly why he would want something like this, because despite it being made out of gold, Jeeves said it held no sentimental value."

"Jeeves?"

"Ask Jeeves? You know, the website?"

"Oh."

"So it took a lot of bribery, threatening, and scantly clad women to get them to talk. Finally, they told me that this artifact was the sacred relic of the Loccha-Meef-Loat tribe, founded and ruled by an undefeatable immortal God we know as Tookie-Tookie. Luckily, he was defeated by another pissed off God who forever became his parole officer. Every ten billion years, Tookie-Tookie has the ability to speak to mortals through shiny surfaces as a part of his parole for one decade. I think Murk is trying to bring back this infallible God, and if he does, life as we know it is…" He gulped the rest of his martini. "SCREWED!"

"I've been tracking Murk down for three years, now. He always strikes when there is some extremely powerful magical device on display."

"The Black Materia."

"Damn straight. I appears this materia is a part of three that, when placed in the correct order on the statue at the right time, Tookie-Tookie come to this physical life bad stuff happens."

"What kinds of bad stuff are we talking about?" Cid replied nervously.

"Well," Vincent replied, "You know how ancient tomes are, always with the metaphors and long, meaningless descriptive passages…"

"You didn't read it!"

"Hey, I looked at the pictures, and people looked reeeeeally not good, what more do you ask! I'm on a double shift, here! Besides, it was happy hour at Seventh Heaven and… umm… I was supposed to put it in my report… but… ahhmm… I… misplaced it."

"The report?"

"No, the tome."

"You $#$$ing MORON!"

A couple of hours later…

Cid sighed and looked at Nanaki. "Your friend seems quite inebriated." Nanaki said. "Yeah," Cid replied, "He was in the middle of telling me something really important when he broke out into sea shanties. It was cute at first… buuut… now he told me to get him some wenches. I'm afraid he might try and go kill some of those whores in the corner if he gets even more drunk then he already is. Besides," he pointed at Vincent, who was trying to talk to a coat rack. "Look at what he's doing now."

"He seems quite smitten with that coat rack, sir." Nanaki replied.

"Har! Cid, meh laddie, Ias found one! She be a skinny ninny, too, arrgh!" Vincent called out as he dragged the coat rack over to Cid. "Cid, me bucko," he said, "Yous got tae meet this lovely young sea maiden Ias found standin' next tae the door, alls alone."

Cid crossed his arms and turned to Vincent. " 'She' is a coat rack."

"Argh, meh laddie, that not be verra nice. Breast size ain't it all. It do help, though." Vincent replied. "Look," Cid began, "I mean she holds peoples coats and hats."

"…" Vincent replied as he thought for awhile. "…"

"Well," he finally said, "Nobody's perfect…"


	12. Domo Aregato Mr Roboto!

**Author's Notes**

Sorry, Sakiya. This Cid cannot swear more. That's what Sid is for. You'll find out why, later…

This chapter is where all the action starts…

NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION!

Disclaimer: Who yo' Daddy? (sorry 8 Bit Theater)

* * *

"Sometimes I just cannot understand human behavior." Nanaki sighed at Cid. "Huh," he replied, "You tellin' me?" They both watched Vincent do the robot on the bar, singing "Domo Oregato, Mr. Roboto". The door slammed open, and a very angry Beatrix walked in with a silver dress on. "What the hell is he doing here?" she yelled at Nanaki. "Ah, hello, Mistress Beatrix." 

Cid raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Back from your date already? Sooomebody didn't get lucky…" he teased. "…"

Beatrix glared at him. She glared for a whole five minutes, and the bar was totally silent. "Emm…" Cid interrupted, "You okay?"

"I'm deciding exactly how bad for business it would be to set you on fire." Beatrix replied calmly, still glaring at him. "Why don't you like me? I'm huggable, I'm cute, hell, I'm adorable. Plus, you'd have a better chance at getting la-" Cid said, cut off bythe pissed off Beatrix. "Don't like you? Don't _like_ you?" A vein in her forehead looked about ready to explode in a mass of red redness. "Let me put it in words you can understand. It's not that I don't like you. I hate you. Hate with the power and intensity only a thousand Gods could manage to survive. I. Hate. You. Cid. You are the biggest idiot I've ever met."

"Oh c'mon, I can't be the _biggest_ idiot…" Cid replied.

Vincent walked up, holding his mouth open. "Anyone know the best way to get splinters outta yer mouth?"

No one answered. He shrugged, jumped back on the bar and started to disco and sing. "What is that stupid freak doing?" Beatrix shouted angrily.

"Dum---Do---Da! Do---Do---Da! I'm a DANCIN' MACHINE!"

Cid sighed. "Too bad he won't remember this in the morning." Nanaki smiled wickedly. "Oh, perhaps I can…change that…"

The Next Morning…

Reno walked into Vincent's office. Vincent was not there yet, so he sat down and noticed something different about the room. Vincent entered, and suddenly, Reno realized what it was. "Hey, nifty coat rack! Where'd you get it?" Vincent stared at the coat rack in horror. 'But it was all just a dream, right?' he thought to himself as Reno began giving him his report.

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"Grandpa, what's getting lucky?"

Cid sighed. "And this is why I $#$$in' saved the $$$$in' world? Okay, $$$#in' listen. This next $#$$in' story may be more your style. It's how I #$#$in' started to _really_ $#$$in' save the world."

"But Grandpa-"

"It'll have swords, guns, action, and violence."

"RIGHT ON!"

"If this don't $#$$in' float yer $#$$in' stoopid boats, nuttin' #&#$in' will…ever."

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

Back at the Guild…

"Great job on the Materia Store case, Cid!" Blip praised his newest Guild member. "What are you talking about? I failed to keep the Black Materia to be stolen." Cid replied.

"Yeah, but the Skishies didn't get any of the stuff, that's all that matters."

"Actually, they got _everything_, and what they didn't, the Silvah Knight had protected."

"Well, you tried your best…"

"THE GLASS ISN'T HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL! YOU'RE BOTH JUST IDIOTS!" Shera yelled at the two.

Blip shrugged. "How about this. I'll get you a new quest sheet and you can get twice the points…"

"Can't." Cid replied. "Murk has stolen the Black Materia and is trying to use it to revive an evil, unstoppable deity. I need to stop him before he gets these other two materia. Plus my dry cleaning needs to be picked up."

"Oh, goody goody!." Blip said. "Well, you'll need partners, so I'll set up a tryout booth so you can find some worthy companions! Shera, entertain Cid while I'm gone." Cid grinned at Shera. "Yeah, entertain me."

Shera grinned back wickedly. "How about I cut your heart out with a spoon? That'd be pretty entertaining."

Silence.

Cid laughed. "Oh, heh, heh. Thought you were serious fer a second there…"

Shera pulled out a spoon and smiled. "I'll bet your heart tastes like chicken."

"Hey, Shera, I can't find any wood for the booth…" Blip shouted.

"Saved!" Cid shouted back. Blip came into the room. Shera sighed. "It's in the shed next to the outhouse."

"She's threatening me with a SPOON!" Cid shouted at Blip. "Make her stop!" Blip chuckled. "Ah, you kids." He walked away.

"Mmm… chicken…"

Cid whimpered.

"But the spoon is just the beginning. Today, a spoon. Tomorrow, a fork. The next day, a SPORK."

Shera advanced on Cid.

"Okey-dokey," Blip shouted from outside, "The stand is finished." He walked inside. "Really?" Cid pleaded.

"Yup."

WHISH!

Cid vanished through the door.

"Oooh… fast…"

**Meanwhile, in the Forest of the Dragons…**

Amarant and Zidane were pathfinding with no compass, no map, no food,nuttin'.

"…tell me again why we're here." Amarant inquired quietly.

"Beyond this forest lies theHole of No Return." Zidane replied casually.

"…and why do we want to go there?"

"Dude! Weren't you listening to the old man who tipped us off!"

"…enlighten me."

"Within the Cave of No Return…lies the Lance of Supreme Death!" Zidane narorrated dramatically.

"And why do we want that?"

"Freya told me that she'd get me a shiny nickel if I got it, but you had to come along."

"She just doesn't like us." He paused. "Wait…" Amarant stopped, and Zidane followed suit. "If it's a cave of no return, how does anyone know what's in it?"

"Well where else would you suggest they hide a mystical killer lance?"

"…from now on, _I_ pick the adventures."

"Phooey!"

They continued to walk…

"Waaait…" Zidane said (who was leading), "This rock is shiny... It must have some important role in our quest…" Amarant drew out his Tiger Claws and leaped at Zidane. "ONWARDS!" Zidane shouted and moved forward, causing Amarant to fall on his face.

Many hours later…

"…we're lost." Amarant told Zidane.

"No we're not."

"…we've been walking around for three and a half miles. The Guide says the forest is only one mile wide in every direction."

"Sooo?"

"…how are you navigating?"

"About an hour ago I found these tracks. If we follow them, they'll lead us right out!"

"…what can you tell by these tracks?"

Zidane stopped and looked at the tracks for a while, thinking. "Well, they're two of them… they're about our height… our weight… one of them has a tail dragging along the ground as he walks… and the other one has really heavy combat boots…"

"These are our tracks, you monkey-brained bastard!"

"Bastard I may be, but clever is me." Zidane retaliated.

"No, you're a complete idiot."

"That hurt my man feelings…"

"You're a monkey."

"No I'm not!"

Amarant glared at him. "You've led us around in circles."

"Circles, huh?" Zidane replied.

"Alright, let's think."

"I like boobs…" Zidane said.

"…okay, _I'll_ think."

Amarant turned and looked around. "We'll use that big, red, scaly rock over there as a starting point, and using a grid sy-" He heard a loud growl. "Zidane, it was your fault we're in this mess, so shut your stomach up."

"But… but it wasn't me…" Zidane replied.

Amarant looked up the big, red, scaly rock.

Amarant found a dragon.

**Author's Notes**

Yes, at request, Amarant is in this fic. Good thing, too. I didn't wanna make a new OC… sorry about the lame Thorn 'n' Zorn joke...


	13. Meep with the Meepin'

Ah, yes my-

"Pal," Cid began,

What?

"You, uh… kinda forgot to put the GODDAMN AUTHOR'S NOTES TITLE IN!"

…we're picky today, aren't we?

"Hell yes!" Cid replied angrily, "You've been #$$#in' VACATIONING while you left a GODDAMN cliffhanger! DAMMIT! You haven't even #$#$in' told ME what's #$$#in' gonna $#$#in' happen! DAMMIT!"

Calm do-

"Don't you $#$$in' tell me to $&$#in' calm do-"

**Author's Notes**

"$$#$in' better."

Yes, my loyal fans, I have returned… WITH A VENGENCE!

…getting less reviews…

…walls closing in…

…dammit, people, I'm just used to being swamped in reviews!

…review again…

…please?

**End Author's Notes**

Amarant zipped off.

"Stand back, Coral! He shall sample my great and powerful Bran Ball type attack thingies! He shall burn under the fearsome fearsomness of my almighty…" Zidane paused for dramatic affect… "TWIN MONKEY STYLE ATTACK!"

Crickets.

"Let's see, first I'll cut the genitals off..." The dragon replied thoughtfully.

"Never insult me in such an insulting way, fiend! I am a loose cannon ready to kill! Amarant, for your own safety, stand back! And don't use any of your…" Zidane looked up at the dragon and inspected it more carefully. "-powerful ninja throwyish… kinda… techniques to instantly end this battle or anything… at all… please…?" He looked around. "Yeeeeeah…" he muttered to himself. "Well, it was fun… buuuut…" he turned to the dragon. "Gottago!" he shouted quickly as he disappeared in a cloud of dust.

Meanwhile…

Amarant was running down the forest path, and then decided to slow down slowly in a slowish fashion, until he ultimately stopped and turned around. "Stupid monkey. I'll kill him if the damnable dragon don't." He turned and found a signpost. "You have left the Forest of the Dragons. You are now-" At this point, there was a giant arrow pointing at the ground. "In the Haunted Forest of Painful, Itching, Burningly Agonizing and Ultimately Painful and Wickednesslyish Death." Amarant scratched his head thoughtfully. "Hmm… wonder what the name means."

He continued to walk until he came upon a small boulder. "Wait… this place seems extremely familiar…" he looked at the boulder. "Well, I'll find out if I'm goin' in circles." He marked the rock with an "X". He continued walking…

…and found the rock with an "X". "I seem to be going-" he looked past the boulder, and found thousands of other boulders with "X's" on them. "-insane?"

He plopped down on the ground and thought. "Well, since this is a Haunted Woods, maybe its magic is trying to speak to me?" he said to himself. He got up, picked up another stone, and marked an "M" on one of the blank boulders ahead. He began his march in a circle again. "Sometimes I'm so clever I fool myself." He muttered to himself as he turned around the bend…

…and found four boulders lined up together spelling out the word "moop". Amarant sighed. "Oh come on! Moop isn't even a word!"

He punched a tree in anger, and then shook his hand in pain.

Meanwhile, Zidane was more or less having the same problem.

"Dammit, look, you stupid rock, Me Zidane," he pointed to himself, "You Rock. Now repeat, Me- dammit, say ME! Not moop!" Zidane hung his head in shame. "I am not a monkey, dammit!" He sighed, turned around, and left. "Not only am I lost, but this forest is playing tricks with my mind. Freya and that old man both said this was supposed to be an easy quest… maybe I should just cut my losses, ditch Amarant, and get out of here?" He sighed and hung his head again. "I wish there was someone here to ask directions…"

Standing behind Zidane was a large, pissed off, territorial, male Behemoth with no temper for stupid monkey-men in his forest. _'Hmm… me squish puny human. Make funny squishy sound.'_ It thought, and Zidane turned around. "Well, speak of Garland! I was just thinking how nice it would be if there was someone here to give me directions! I was startin' to think I was doomed! You see, my friend Freya sent my other friend and I to fetch her a magical pointy kinda stick thingy, I think she called it a spear, but anyway! So we were sent here and we kinda got lost, and this huge dragon thingy appeared, and I kinda challenged it to a duel… then I ran… but anyway! Y'know, for a low-level quest, this sure is hard."

'_Puny human funny. Me squish head slowly. That funny, too.' _The Behemoth thought.

"Frankly, you're the first friendly face I've seen in here." Zidane said cheerfully.

'_Then me eat puny monkey human. Monkey human heart taste like chicken. Me get spork.'_ The Behemoth continued mapping out his dinner.

The Behemoth heard a small _squish_ sound behind him and turned while Zidane was still talking with his back turned to the giant. The Behemoth looked down and saw a small, green slime. "Meep…" the small thing squeaked at the giant.

It advanced.

It jumped, grew in size…

…until it was twice the size of the Behemoth, then ate him before he could utter a single moan. Then it shrank back to its original size. "Meep!" it meeped happily, and burped.

Zidane turned around. "So that's how I got he---hey! Where'd the big guy go? Seems like everyone gets lost here, even the ones who weren't even going anywhere." He looked down at the small green slime. "Oh well. Are you hungry, little guy?"

The slime smiled wickedly. He lunged for Zidane. "I just happen to bring along an extra cookie…" the slime stopped. "Do you want my cookie?" The slime beamed happily. "Meep!" he gobbled the cookie greedily. "Gee, you must not get to eat a lot around here, do you?"

"Meep."

"I bet you want another cookie!"

"Meep!"

Zidane searched his pockets. "Uh-oh." He turned back to the slime. "I seem to be out of cookies, little guy…" The slime leered angrily at Zidane. "Can I interest you in some trail mix instead?"

"Meep." Slime replied in a very pissed off manner.

"But we can still have fun without cookies! Look what I can do!" He began dancing happily in circles. "Meep!" the slime retorted boastfully, and took on Zidane's full-sized shape.

"Show-off…"


	14. The First Volunteer and a Cookie

**Author's Notes**

Disclaimer: …screw you and everyone who looks like you.

**End Author's Notes**

Somehow, Zidane and Amarant met back up with each other, and as Amarant tried to kill Zidane, Zidane tried to reason with Amarant. "Look! The odds are unfair! I have Snot on my side! He can turn into your mom and tell you not to hit me! It's that unfair!" Amarant glared at him. "Screw your excuses. I'm $#$$ing you up here and now." He cracked his knuckles. "Which part of you should I break first?"

FWEE!

They found themselves in the Old Folks Home in Kalm. An old man saw them, had a heart attack and died. A small child behind them broke out into a chant. "Yessss! I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it!"

Amarant looked around. "Well, while we're here…" he pulled out his Tiger Claws…

"Let's have some fun." He grinned wickedly.

Zidane had walked out before this endeavor. _'How'd I get here?'_ He thought to himself. He continued down the streets of Kalm. "This doesn't look like Alexandria…"

"Huh, you're tellin' me?" a forty-year-old Vivi said, drunk next to the fountain. "Buddy, got any spare change?" he held out a tin can. Zidane looked at Vivi closely… "You look awful familiar…"

Vivi stifled a scream. "Wha-? N-no! Never seen you in my damn life!" He started backing slowly away from Zidane, then quickly turned around and ran.

Remember what happened to Palmer? Vivi got the same treatment. "Chirst. Poor guy." Zidane muttered. He continued down the streets of Kalm (which was much bigger back then. It even had a whore house! …not that I would know, though… a-a-a…friend of mine went there. Not me. Nope. Too respectable.) looking at the many sights it had to offer. Then he came upon Cid's booth…'s line. It was extremely long. Why, you ask? Cid's sign, of course.

You probably thought it would say: "Face almost certain doom in a task that will inevitably have the credit handed to a well renowned hero that will eventually die in a horrible skiing accident involving pink slippers, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird, and Elmo with shotguns. Oh, and you get to save the world. No cookies."

No, instead, the sign read: "Free cookie with application to save the world." And below that, in veeeeery fine print, it read "If you are accepted, you will be considered expendable, and your life will not be put ahead of others. If you decline the offer once you have been accepted, i.e. just wanted the cookie, then we will sick rabid purple bunny rabbits upon you, your family, friends, and Shirley Temple." But no one reads fine print anymore without their lawyers, right?

Earlier that year, Patrick McGoye had gone on a noble quest to kill every lawyer known to the human race, calling them impure forms of the Cetra.

So people were pretty much, in general, screwed when it came to fine print.

Cid's first "Wanna-be Hero of Good" stepped up. It was none other than…

Peter Jackson.

Cid didn't even look up from his Etch-A-Sketch. "So what are your previous accomplishments?"

"Well," Peter began, clearing his throat. "I made Legolas a hottie known by teenage heartaches all around the world, gave Gollum a freaky voice, and proved to the world that Frodo is a sissy. And I'm rich."

Cid grunted. "I'll think about it. NEXT!"

Cloud stepped up (people, don't ask how he's there, or I will kill you. "Domo… Domo… Domo Origato-" ooo-kay, I'll stop now). Cid had written a crude message on his Etch-A-Sketch in case he saw someone he didn't like in the line. "What are your previous accomplishments?" He asked in an extremely bored tone.

"Well," Cloud began in a nasally tone, "I defeated Ultima twice, killed a physco with a really long butter knife, and watched my girlfriend die by the hands of a monkey, all on my PSP. It's reeeeeally cool with all sortsa buttons and thingi-"

"Any weapon specifications?"

"I like swords."

"Got one on you?"

Cloud attempted to raise his huge sword, but could do no such thing. "Just a second…" he said, and tried lifting it again, leaning back, but fell to the ground. "NEXT!" Cid called…

The line went oooon, and oooon, and ooon, until Zidane finally reached the booth.

"Pr-" Cid began, but Zidane already knew the question.

"I've-" Zidane began, but an airship flew in low overhead, and no one but Cid could hear what he said.

A lone Etch-A-Sketch clattered to the cobblestone square.

"You're serious?"

"Yup." Zidane replied proudly.

"You're hired then!" Cid said, wide-eyed. He shook Zidane's hand. "Anyone who can do that is definitely on the team!"

Zidane smiled widely. "Soooo… when do I get my cookie?"

"It's mail order, son."


	15. Timmah!

**Author's Notes**

Sorry I'm updating so slowly, guys… I feel ashamed.

But I bring other bad news.

Effective Saturday, I'll probably be updating even LESS (Good God, man! You BASTARD!)…meh…so sorry.

Queensryche helps me think…

So does Opeth…

**Disclaimer**: Sit down and drink your goddamn TEA!

**End Author's Notes**

Cid glared at Zidane. "Later." Zidane was broken apart. "But…but…the sign…"

"READ the goddamn FINE PRINT! It's freakin' MAIL ORDER!" Cid shouted. Blip's recent stupidity had started to edge him into swearing. He shoved a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. Zidane gasped. "How dare you speak such blasphemy without a lawyer!" He said. "Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo." Cid replied.

He had been extremely angry recently, and he didn't know why.

"Sooo… who else is signed up?" Zidane asked the pissed off Cid as they made their way to the Warrior's Guild. "Eh, some loser who calls himself 'the great and almighty destroyer of humans', or some shit like that." Cid replied. They entered the Guild. "And this drunk called Vincent."

"Ooh, sounds like a promising crew of able bodied men!" Zidane replied happily, trying to stay optimistic. "Able bodied my ass." Cid said. "YO! TIKI TUSH!" he shouted into the back room, "Git yer human slaughtering butt over here!"

A very short figure walked into the room. It had a black cloak, a black bowler hat, a black suit with a white tie and black gloves. It wore brown flip-flops. It popped a cigarette into its mouth. "Oi, bloke, give a man bleedin' break, wouldja?" he said in a thick British accent.

Zidane's eyes near about popped out of their sockets. He jumped into Cid's arms like they were in an old Scooby-Doo cartoon. "EEEIK!" he screamed, "It's a tonberry!"

The black clad British tonberry shrieked. "GOOD GOD, MAN, WHERE'S THE BLOO'Y FIEND!" He pulled out a handgun and looked around frantically. "I'll blow 'is &&in' 'ead off! 'Ere the 'ell is 'e?" He shouted at Zidane, who looked at Cid. "What'd he just say?"

The tonberry pulled back the hammer on his handgun. "'Ook, you 'alf-brained frog kissah, you bleedin' make funa my accent agin, 'n' Oi'll blow _you're_ &&#&in' 'ead off!"

Zidane shut up.

"Zidane, this is Timmy. Timmy, this is Zidane." Cid introduced. "Oi, Cid, 'ere the 'ell'd you 'ick up 'is blighter?" Timmy asked. "What'd he say?" Zidane whispered, but Cid ignored him, and let go. Zidane fell to the floor with a thud. "So, where do we start?" he asked as he picked himself up and brushed himself off.

" 'Ere's a place 'alled the 'Orest o' the Ancients a ways from 'ere," Timmy responded. "'E've 'ot reports o' a 'ecial materia o'er 'ere. Summin' 'alled… wotsit, Cid? 'Elly? 'Olly? Moly? 'At 'as it…" he thought aloud. "Holy." Cid retorted. Timmy perked up. "'At's it, me laddie! 'Eave it tae ol' Cid 'ere to git 'er 'one!" He sucked on his cigarette.

Zidane smiled brightly. "So, when do we go?"

Cid and Timmy looked at each other, and started laughing.

* * *

"Why'd I have to ask?" Zidane thought aloud.

He was in a crate in a shipping barge to Costa del Sol. Timmy and Cid had killed the First and Second mates, stole their uniforms (which coincidentally fit Cid _and_ Timmy) and were now up in the Crow's Nest smoking cigarettes and drinking tea, which Cid had just started drinking once Timmy introduced it to him.

They spent most of their time catching seagulls and making them poop on unsuspecting passerby's heads below. Actually, Cid had begun catching on to all his… colorful habits riiiiight about the time Timmy came…

Anyway, they landed at Costa del Sol, where a very good-looking, scantly clad pilot(ess) was waiting for them.

"You Cid Highwind?" she asked, looking him up and down in disgust. He had changed back into his grimy Guild uniform before they got there, and Timmy had changed back into his suit. The British tonberry was examining the woman closely behind large, Men In Black-type sunglasses, safe from her noticing his probing eyes.

" Well, well, well," 'e-I mean, he said, " 'O moight you be, pre'y la'y?"

"Isabel," she replied. "Anyway, you Cid?"

Cid smiled charmingly, and winked at her. He cleared his throat, and in a deeper, much sexier voice, asked, "Why yes I am, Isabel. Whatcha need me for?" she rolled her eyes. "You ordered an airship. Here's your receipt. Have a nice day." Isabel said in a bored tone before jumping into the sea. "Blimey, Cid, you bought a bleedin' _airship_?" Timmy exclaimed, dazed. "No. But I'll take it, anyway." He watched the chick jump into the sea, and just noticed she was barefoot, and had a cut on her foot. "Hope a shark attacks her, but only gets her shirt." He said, but she came out, the grey belly shirt was soaked with seawater, and clung to her.

Cid and Timmy looked at each other, and began chuckling nervously. They walked into town. "Oi, we forgettin' summin'?"

Later, all three were in the airship, checkin' out the shiny newness of all the new gizmos in the wicked cool new ship. Now if I wanted to be sued for copyright infringement, I'd throw in Marvin the Clinically Depressed Robot from Douglas Adams's proclaimed _Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy _series, but I don't. So sorry, no Marvin, people.

"Wotcher gonna name 'er, Cid?" Timmy asked, while Zidane was in the captains chair, spinnin' 'round 'n' 'round on it, singing sea shanty's.

Cid chucked him out of his chair by the collar, put his foot on the control panel, and his theme song began playing. "Dooooo, do do dooooooo, do do doooooooooo de doooooooo…. Dooooo, do do dooooooo, do do doooooooooo de duuuuum!" Dooed Zidane as he caught onto the tune. Timmy smacked him. "You're ruinin' the 'ole bloo'y drama, blighter!" he hissed, and Cid began.

"I… I name her… THE FREE ONE!"

Crickets.

"Well, it's true, right?"

"Why not name it after yourself?" Zidane suggested. "That's what I'd do. Except I'd get Vivi to cast a spell on it that every time I said 'Chimychunga' it'd come to me."

"That's it!" Cid shouted, "This airship is now known as the Highwind!"

"HUZZAH!" Zidane shouted, which was followed by Timmy smacking him. "To The Forest of the Ancients!" Cid shouted, and he revved up the engines.

The Mayor of Costa del Sol smashed a wine bottle along the hull of the Highwind when they began the countdown. "Toodles, Titanic! Don't make the same mistake twice!" he shouted after them.

"Erm, sir? That was the Highwind." The Mayor's secretary replied.

"Right. What'd I say?" the Mayor asked. He hiccuped.

"…sir, have you been drinking the ceremonial wine again?"

To make a long flight short, they made it to the Forest. We _really, really_ don't want to get into detail. You do? Fine. You make a convincing argument like you make martinis. Shaken, not stirred.

Cid began dancing nekked down the halls, and Zidane giggled as he drove the plane while smoking a joint Bilbo Baggins gave him.

Frodo was sitting in the back with his ring, putting it on and taking it off, appearing and disappearing. "Ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off!" The crazy hobbit giggled manically. "HUZZAH!" Cid shouted, and fell into the toilet.

Bilbo staggered up to Timmy with a packet of Old Toby. "Bless me lil' 'obbit feet! It's Gollum! Git 'im, Frodo, my b…..o…y?" He collapsed on the floor.

Legolas and Neo were fighting to the death on the deck, Neo with a pole and Legolas with a Uruk-Hai cursed blade of something, something, something that starts with an "H", arguing about who was the better teenage heartthrob.

Hey, you wanted to know. Or did you? The Matrix has a very strange way of twisting things around…in our minds…

THERE IS NO SPOON, DAMMIT, NOW BEND!

Well, they landed in the Forest of the Ancients. However, someone was already in the Secret Tunnel You're Not Supposed to Know About Until Later….

"**WHO DARES ENTER MY INNER SANCTUM?" **a very evil sounding voice called out in the dark secretness of the Secret Tunnel. "Yo' mama!" Murk replied, pointing at the… thing that spoke to it.

"**FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU DARE ENTER THE REALM OF THE EVIL ZANKARISHNEKEEO, THE DEVOURER OF SOULS? THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS?"**

Murk crossed its arms and began dozing off.

"**I HAVE EXISTED TO PROTECT THIS MATERIA BEFORE THE CETRA CAME! THOUSANDS OF MEN HAVE FOUGHT ME, AND ONLY ONE HAS ESCAPED! HE HAS ELUDED ME THUS FAR, BUT I WILL FIND HIM AND MAKE HIM PAY…"**

Murk's head drooped.

"**WHEN GODS SCREAM AT NIGHT, IT IS MY FACE THEY SEE!"**

Murk began snoring.

"**HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"**

Murk awoke. "Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, souls, 'n' worlds 'n' gods, 'n' stuff."

"**OH. OKAY. JUST CHECKING. WELL THEN, WHERE WAS I? AW NUTS, WHO CARES? THE MOMENT'S GONE, NOW!"** The owner of the voice roared. **"THEN SPEAK, PUNY MORTAL! WHY HATH THOUEST ENTER… AW, SCREW IT. WHY TH' HELL YOU IN MY CRIB, B$$$?"**

"My employer sent me to get a shiny, greenish, blueish, kinda… rock."

"**DUNNO WHATCHA TAWLKIN' 'BOUT."**

"Oh, you know! It's kinda… round. And it's called somethin' like… holly? Molly? Moly? Yoly?"

"**OH, I SEE. KINDA LIKE ONEA THEM STONES IN THEM FREDERICK'S PANTIES WITH THE BLUE-GREEN SEQUIN-THINGIES IN 'EM?"**

"Yeah! Yeah, that's the one."

"**I GOT LOTSA 'EM. BUT DA ONE YOU LOOKIN' FO', THE HOLY MATERIA, AIN'T FO' NO ONE TO USE! IT'S FO' THE STO'Y TO ANUDDA GAME. SOME FINAL FANTASY SH&T."**

Murk drew a dagger. "Who said I was asking?"

Meanwhile…

Our three heroes are walking in the forest, and Zidane is singing "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and Cid and Timmy are talking about who'd they'd like to screw when they get back to Kalm.

They stopped, and Zidane tripped over Timmy. "Watch it, kiddo!" the tonberry hollered, as the monkey-thief landed next to a hole.

ENTERING THE REALMS OF ZIDANE'S MIND…

Zidane pictures himself next to a huge chest of gold and women with… expanded chestial regions.

EXITING THE REALMS OF ZIDANE'S MIND…

"Yeah, buddy!" he shouted, and rolled into the hole.

"Zidane! You goddamn monkey!" Cid shouted, and jumped down in the hole with him. "No! Cid, jus' 'eave the bloke be! Aw, dammit!" Timmy screeched, and jumped with them.

They poked their heads through another hole, and saw a hole next to them. Zidane was already halfway in. "C'mon, guys! Wenches await us!" he shouted, and fell through the hole. The two sane (?) people followed him aaaand…

…they landed in a pile of bones.

Back with Murk…

A huge snake slithered before Murk. This was the… thing it spoke to earlier. "Okay, snake, let's tussel."

The giant snake just swallowed Murk in one gulp. **"LOSER."**The snake muttered.

"You forget the most important lesson of swallowing hitmen whole." Murk slit the snake open. "I may contain small pieces that are hazardous if swallowed!" Murk turned to see surprise on the snake's face, but it was dead before it heard the cloaked figure.

"Dammit, why do I put so much effort into being witty when no one's around to hear me!"


	16. GOOD GOD MAN!

**Author's Notes**

**THAT IS RIGHT. I, GREAT AND MIGHTY ME HAS UPDATED.**

**KNEEL. QUIVER IN FEAR FROM MY AWESOME AND HORRIFYING HORROR. MWA.**

**Disclaimer:** …

**End Author's Notes**

Cid and Co. walked down the dank dungeon. "I'm bored." Zidane announced. "So far this dungeon has no wenches, no cash, and no rubber duckies. I was really hoping for the rubber duckies!" the thief whined, and plopped down on the floor.

"Then you should have bleedin' though' abou' 'at afore ye bleedin' jump'd through' the god farsaken hole, fer Christ's sake!" Timmy yelled at Zidane, throwing a rock at him.

They continued walking.

And kept walking.

…yep, still walkin'.

Aaaaaand… now they stop. Zidane's jaw dropped, Timmy nearly choked on his cigarette, and Cid dropped his Etch-A-Sketch. They had entered a huge dome-shaped room with vines engulfing the walls, crumbling brick surrounded the trio, and a circular stain glass window hung above them. In the center of the room, a small pedestal stood. It had a glass dome with black spikes and vines covering it. Within the ominous looking glass dome, there sat a large, blue orb of materia.

"I've found this place, braved the dungeons, solved the puzzles, defeated the Squeak Toys from Hell, vanquished the Guardian, and I even took the time to clean my cloak!" Murk said to himself. "Time to get what I came for."

Cid flung his lance out. "What the hell are you doing here!" he shouted at the cloaked figure. "ME? What about you! It took me ages to find this place, fight through the dungeon, find the right chamber, kill the snake guardian, and clean my cloak! This is freakin' SILK! Do you realize how hard it is to clean snake guardian blood and guts off of a silk cloak?" Murk retaliated angrily. "How did you find this forest, anyhow! It's hidden from any and everyone and is practically impossible to get to if you find it! How did you find it, dammit!"

Zidane blushed. "Well, you see, in order to throw off the FBI, I go to a non-porn website every couple of days…" Murk's hands clenched. "IT WAS POSTED ON THE INTERNET!" the cloaked figure hollered. "Yea, at dubya dubya dubya do' howtofindtheholymateria do' com." Timmy explained and shrugged.

"Cid, you are the last person I would have expected to see here, but it makes no difference in the end…" Murk drew a saber. "PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

"Wait! My companions are $$#$in' morons! Have pity!"

"Sounds like your problem, not mine. I've waited sooooo long for this moment!"

Cid raised an eyebrow. "We just met two nights ago."

"Doesn't matter." Murk replied quickly.

"Who are you, anyway?" Zidane piped in.

"If I wanted to advertise that, I wouldn't have worn the cloak! Now shut up and mind your own business!" the cloaked Murk snapped. "Since I'll enjoy your death so much, I'll have to give my employer a discount!"

"Employ'rs? Y'mean ye ain't troin' tae resurrect a damned God?" Timmy asked, scratching his head.

"Ha! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" Murk scoffed.

"But Vincent said-"

"Ha, ha, ha! Vincent? That love-sick freak couldn't put a two piece jigsaw puzzle together, much less track my doings!"

**Meanwhile…**

Vincent sat drunk in one of the booths of Kalm's bar, twenty three and a half bottles of empty booze and a two piece jigsaw puzzle lay in front of him. "Are there supposed to be pieces left when I'm done?"

Shera and Blip walked forward to Nanaki, who was still managing the bar. "We're looking for a Vincent Valentine. We were told he'd be here." Shera stated. The…thing pointed at Vincent's booth. "That's him? Thank you." Blip replied, and the duo made their way to Valentine.

"Hello, Mr. Vincent? We are in need of services that we were told you could give us." Blip began. "Who do you want killed?" Vincent asked cheerfully. "Uh… nobody. You see, we have…_accidentally_ sent one of our Guildmasters to their untimely and painful death and we want to rescue him. We've been told that you are the only on who's escaped the Forest of the Ancients alive."

"Please!" Shera added desperately, "His life rests in your hands! Hey, that's a cool sailboat!" Shera pointed at the puzzle.

"Sailboat?" Vincent shook his head. "Anyway, so you need my help to navigate through the Forest of the Ancients and rescue your friend?" Blip and Shera nodded together. "Wait, which Forest of the Ancients are we talking about? The one from Final Fantasy VII or the one from Duck Tales: A Game Not Invented?"

Shera turned to Blip. "Um, Final Fantasy VII, I think, why?"

Vincent coughed. "I escaped from the Duck Tales one. Sorry, can't help."

Shera moaned. "Now Cid's gonna die a horrible and agonizing death!"

Vincent's eye lit up. "Cid you say? Then of course I can help!"

Back to the Forest…

"So if you aren't stealing magical artifacts for yourself, then what are you stealing for?" Cid asked Murk. "Money, of course! I want it and I don't have it. My employer pays well for people who do a good job. I don't know what these people do with all the stuff I bring them, but quite frankly, I honestly don't care. It's most obviously for evil purposes, 'cause these people don't seem like the type to be using this stuff to restore their hair." Murk replied happily. "But enough about me. You death can be slow or quick, but either way, it's gonna be painful. Man, would I hate to be in your guy's shoes!"

Zidane squealed in joy. Why, you ask? Look behind Murk. "Behind you!" the thief cried, pointing behind Murk. "Oh yeah right, I'm gonna fall f- SWEET JESUS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"

"It's Snot!" Zidane replied happily.

"Well I can see that, but what's it doing he-" Murk was cut off, as Snot had grown to his "feedin' size" and was about to pounce on the unfortunate cloaked person. "I'm coming!" Cid shouted, jumping over the pedestal, knocking over the glass dome which shattered on the ground, and pushed Murk out of the way of Snot's wrath. Instead of eating the black-garbed Murk, it landed on the blue materia.

Cid's hand was still on Murk's chest. "You-you saved my life." The hooded person said to him. "Yeah, I do that kinda crap sometimes. Still don't $#$&in' know why. Look, we got a bigger problem, kno-"

Squeeze. Squeeze.

"You're… you're… you're a girl." He said, staring at the shadowed face under Murk's hood. Cid squeezed her boob again, and giggled. He looked at two red pinpoints of light under her hood, then jumped away. "I fail to see the relevance." Murk replied, arms crossed, eyes burning red in anger.

_With the red hot fiery hotness of a thousand supernovas combined with the fury of a thousand suns…_

Don't ask why I put that in italics. You wouldn't understand…

"Why did you save my life?" Murk shouted, pointing at Cid.

"Why are you a girl?" Cid shouted back, pointing at Murk.

Snot closed his eyes, and the blue materia glowed faintly.

"Well when a man and a woman love each other very much-" Murk began.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

Snot's eyes disappeared, and he began swelling up. Zidane stared at it in shock, and pointed at it speechlessly.

"That's what you asked, you stupid- oh shit." Murk pointed at the growing slime.

Cid sighed. "What?" he turned. "CHRIST! HOLY $#$&!"

Snot had now crushed the pedestal under its weight, and it had become bigger than Palmer.

"It's not supposed to do that, right?" Zidane asked nervously. "How big will it get?" Murk started backing up. "When you find out, let me know. I've gotta go… do… stuff."

Cid shook his head. "Uh-uh. I ain't $$in' lettin' you go 'till we get this solved. He won't stop growing!"

"We'll have to cut him up into small pieces and get the materia back." Murk replied. "No! You can't do that! It's not his fault Holy looked yummy! Besides, he's probably trying not to go to Hell! You wouldn't send a poor, cute, green, snot-like slime to Hell, would you?" Zidane yelled as he and Timmy ran to the other side of the room with Cid and Murk. "He tried to eat me. The snot must die." She replied. "Besides, we have a situation here. If we don't stop his growth, who knows what he'll do? The town is in danger."

A green tentacle seeped out of Snot behind Murk and made its way towards the black-clad woman.

"That thing is dangerous, and must be destroyed. Besides, that's **my** materia, and I want it back. I saw it first." Murk replied. "_And_ I did everything I was supposed to in order to actually get here, not just fall through a hole casing after a stupid monkey-man!"

"Why you little-!" Zidane roared and attempted launched himself at Murk, but was restrained by Timmy. "Le' the bi' go, boodah, eh. We'll get 'er ne' 'ime, eh?" Cid stared at Timmy. "Why are you talking in a Canadian accent?"

At this point, Snot had grabbed Murk and pulled her into his giant mass of green-ness. "Oh come on, man!" Zidane hollered, "He was this close to convincing her!"

"Give back the man-girl and nobody gets hurt!" Cid roared angrily and whacked Snot with his javelin. It made a sickening squish sound as it hit, and, with a mighty fight from Cid's end involving Timmy, pong, and Zidane, the weapon was sucked into the mass of slimy, green snot-like stuff. "Okay, I don't have Elena with me, so _I _can't fight the slime." He smiled wickedly. "Who needs sticks and stones when you've got a whole lotta bones?"

The trio began throwing the bones that the guardian left over from its victims at Snot. They just stuck into the green mass of goo.

"Alri', sno' beast! No' ye've gott'n me REALLY $#$$in' pissed!" Timmy replied, pulling out his guns.

Snot grew.

"Stay away from me, I'm warning you, I taste like monkey!" Zidane cautioned, putting his hands in front of him like a shield.

Snot grew more.

"We still got a few $#$$in' bones left, you giant gelatinous mound of goo! Stay back!" Cid hollered, picking up another bone.

A rope fell from a hole in the ceiling. "Guys, quick, up here!"

Cid pulled himself up the rope, and saw Vincent, Blip, and Shera. "Damn, I never thought I'd be glad to see you three!"

"Remember that when you get the bill." Vincent replied.

Zidane climbed out, followed by the suited Tonberry. The thief began pushing a rock over the hole of the pit. "Don't just stand there, help me!" he grunted to Vincent. "How 'bout I just stand here?" he replied. The rock made it to the hole. "That won't hold it for long." Cid stated. "How do we get out of here?"

"Sure, well there is that sign a couple feet behind you." Vincent said dryly.

**THIS WAY TO KLAM.**

"…what's a klam?"

**BACK AT KLAM… I MEAN KALM…**

"…so the slime swallowed the materia and is now growing at an uncontrollable rate and could threaten the entire world?" Vincent said when they were back at the Guild and Cid had explained everything. Timmy was in the back beating the crap out of poor Zidane for being an idiot.

"That's it in a nutshell." Cid replied. "…and why do you want to get inside of it?" Vincent asked.

"That materia is buried under thousands of tons of mucus. I have to get it."

"But Cid, that's horrible! You'll be digested alive, and if you survive that, you'll suffocate!" Shera cried sympathetically.

"I think I know someone who can get me there safely." Cid answered. "He means me, of course." Vincent retorted proudly.

"Like hell I do!"


	17. Nobly we will all Die by Slime Enzymes

**Author's Notes**

Maybe I'm back to posting often?

…Probably not.

'Nother long post for Sakiya! Welcome back!

We mourn the death of Squidi.

**Disclaimer: **For Christ's sake! If you don't get it yet, you never will! Sue me, and… I'll… do something. But it'll hurt! I swear! …maybe it won't… (apologies to AMD)

**End Author's Notes**

"Professor Gast! Open up! It's Cid!" The door to Professor Gast's little home in the outskirts of Midgar was pounding while Cid knocked on it vigorously. "Cid! It's been a long time! Come in!" The Professor called as he dashed to the door and unlocked all forty-three locks, bolts, and huge wooden planks across it. Vincent and Cid burst in through the opened door, Vincent with a gun out, and Cid with Elena. Gast had been thrown across the room, and as he got up and began brushing himself off, Cid said, "Time's of the #$in' essence, or some $#&& like that, so no time fer small talk! A glob of misdirected snot accidentally swallowed a super powerful materia and is blowin' up like a swellin' wart. If we don't stop it soon, it threatens to $#$$ us all over, so we need to get to the goddamn center to git the materia afore it gits to Kalm and digests us. It's already halfway here!"

Gast nodded calmly. "Sure, no problem. I've got something like that in the back." He made his way towards a door near the back. "Would you like some quiche?"

Vincent gaped. Cid smiled.

Gast returned with an old-fashioned diving suit. "Gentlemen, I present to you the Guzzle-Master 2300, the greatest diving mechanism since the witch-tester!"

"I _liked_ the witch-tester…" Vincent muttered to himself.

"Hey, what's that tube sticking outta the top?" Cid asked the Professor. "Oh, that's the breathing tube. This suit is coated with a defensive extract that will disband the emulsions of the slime's liquescive fluids, thereby protecting the said entity within it from dissolving."

"….meaning?"

"You won't be eaten by giant snotballs in here."

"Ah. Where'd the extract come from?"

"You don't wanna know. Trust me on this one, Cid." Gast smiled. "Yup, with the right amount of tubing, this baby can go _anywhere_ that you normally couldn't."

"Like the women's locker room?" Vincent asked hopefully.

"No. I'm working on an Inviso-Ring to do that. Some guy called Sauron sent spies to steal the blueprints, and now he's gotten his own patent for it with some modifications…" Gast replied with a sigh.

"Like what?" Cid replied.

"Oh, it's got a security field that summons some guys in black cloaks to stick you with knifes that 'burn with the fires of a thousand evils' or some crap like that."

"That's too bad…"

"Tell me 'bout it."

"Anyway, Professor, this is perfect! Are you sure you don't need it for anything else?"

"Oh yes." Gast replied, and opened the glass in the front. "I've been using it as a trashcan." A couple of paper balls fell out as he tossed a match inside of the suit. "Just need to empty it."

Couple hours later…

Vincent entered the home yet again, carrying a six-pack of Spiked Dr. Pepper with Kumquat (now illegal everywhere except Amsterdam. Leave it to the Man to get rid of all that is good.) with him. "Where'd Cid go?" He asked Gast. "Oh, he's getting the suit on."

"Oh. That's nice. So, uh, you're an, uh, inventor, huh?"

"Yup. Kind of. I work for ShinRa on a number of things, but I do invent things as well."

"So, uh, what kind of stuff do you invent?"

"What do you need?"

"Nothing, nothing. Just asking in curiosity."

"Oh, this and that. I could make anything you need."

"So… uh… could you make a… I dunno, a tropical… crème… for, mmm… butt acne?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"It's for a friend name Heideggar, I SWEAR!"

"Sure it is."

Couple minutes later…

Cid walked into the room in the suit with the tube trailing behind him.

"So how's it fit? A little tight in the crotch?"

Cid's eyes bulged.

"What's that? It IS tight in the crotch?"

Cid looked like he was gagging.

"No… something else… well what is it, Cid? Spit it out!"

Cid pointed behind him at the tube a couple feet away.

"Oh. That." Gast walked to where Vincent was drinking a bottle of Spiked Dr. Pepper with Kumquat. "Vincent, as enjoyable as it may be, please refrain from standing on Cid's air tube." Vincent looked down at where he was standing with his bottle still in his mouth, and quickly jumped off.

"My bad, man."

Little while later…

"…and if you don't follow that rule, Cid, you'll suffocate and most likely implode into a thousand bloody pieces. Did you get all that?"

No response.

"…"

Nothing.

"…Cid?"

Cid came from behind the Professor. "Who're you talking to, Gast? You aren't talking to that empty suit, are you? Had to get outta the damn thing to go to the bathroom." Gast clapped his hands together. "Ah-ha! Knew I forgot something!"

"So, what were you saying?"

"Oh, damn, I forgot. Probably not important, anyway."

Cid got back into the suit. "Okay, this isn't going to be easy, Cid. You're not going to have enough air to explore the entire slime. I estimate you'll have at most twenty minutes to get where you need to go, so aim for the center. That's most likely where Holy is. If the rock Zidane put on the hole stalled the slime's growth at all, then we may just have the time we need!" Gast told Cid.

"Eeeh… guys… we might have a problem…" Vincent called from the door.

"What? Has the slime grown again?"

"Erm… just a little." He replied as green… stuff oozed through the cracks around the doors and windows.

Meanwhile, at the Skishies HQ…

A minion walked forth to Tooey, who was playing Yahtzee with Sid, and saluted sharply. "Sir-" Tooey jumped happily. "Fwee! That's another win for me, Sid! Now gimme that shiny nickel!"

"-I think there's something you'd like to see."

The clueless gang leader whirled around to see the minion. "Sweet fwee of fwaa! Show me!"

The minion took him and Sid to the balcony of their huge castle, and pointed the Forest of the Ancients (which used to be right next to Kalm, Costa Del Sol used to just have a ferry between it an Junon. You see, it was a pangea kinda thing, and everything was extremely close befo- you almost made me give away the story, lil' bugger!), where sprouting from it, a giant green blob grew. Above it, a murder of crows flew north.

"Sweet, merciful, God of Fwee! You're right! Those birds are flying out of season!" Tooey cried. His new favorite word was fwee. "Um… sire, I'm sure those birds are flying out of season, but I was referring to the expansive gelatinous mound of goo."

Tooey shrugged. "Giant goo. What about it?"

"Uuuh… what're we gonna do about it?"

Tooey sighed. "Minion, how long have you been with the Skishies?"

"'Bout four months, sir."

"By now, you should know that we don't _solve_ problems, we create them. What do _you_ think we're gonna do about the slime?"

The minion thought for a moment. "Um… party?" Tooey smiled. "Now guess who's bringing the chips!"

Back with Gast…

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Vincent shouted at the top of his lungs, his Dr. Pepper (not endorsed by Dr. Pepper in any way. Just love 'em to death.) crashing to the floor. "Nah. We'll be fine. I built this house myself, you know." The professor put his hand around his chin thoughtfully. "Four times, now, I think…" Gast shrugged. "No, this place is as sturdy as they get. It's everyone else I'm worried about…."

In the Warrior's Guild…

Blip was attempting to get outside while green gel was seeping through the cracks around the building while in a heated debate with Shera. "No, you open that door, and you kill us all!" The receptionist bellowed at the Guildmaster.

"But I need to send this letter-"

"IT CAN WAIT!"

Back with Gast…

"Okay, no problem, just because you have an extra three miles to hike to the center…" Gast began. "Oh… geez... you are so screwed."

"Mmmrph mrph, mmmph mmmmm!" Cid replied angrily.

"What'd he say?" The professor asked Vincent. "Ha, I just so happen to know drunken gibberish, which is a dialect of muffled gibberish. He said: 'We're all bread and headed to bell, anyway, so he'd be better chunkin' off baking his lances. Besides, he has a land."

"MMMPH!"

"Sorry, he has a plan…. Same difference."

"Mmmm mmmrph, mrm mrrrphm mrph mphm."

"He said he'd be able to use pear sprockets. What the hell's a sprocket?"

Gast clapped his hands as his face lit up happily. "Of course! Air pockets! Why didn't I think of that?"

"That's not what I said…"

"With the slime destroying everything, there are bound to be large pockets of air floating about! If I could create a portable air container for Cid, then he could refill it as he found them!"

"Wait," Vincent said slowly, "if you don't need the tube, can I have it?"

"Why?"

"So I can siphon beer from the bar without ever leaving the comfort of my home!"

"In that case, no." Gast paused for a moment. "Hmm, actually, Vincent's siphoning comment just sparked inspiration!"

"Then can I have the tube?"

Gast ignored him. "If I were to compress the air… yes… this is good stuff… I'll be right back."

**FIVE MINUTES LATER…**

"Gentlemen, I present to you the Air Thingy 9163!" Gast announced as he showed Vincent and Cid a portable air tank.

"Wow, that was fast!"

"Well," the prof. confessed, "I did cut some corners to make it in time, but it should work… in theory."

Vincent turned to Cid, pointed and chuckled. "Sucks to be you!" Cid looked horrified.

"Just be sure not to break the nozzles off this thing. I'm not certain, but there is a very big chance that something bad might happen. There's compressed air in these things to help the breathing apparatus. Should a tank be ruptured in any way, it will likely explode. Now in theory, breaking off a nozzle should just spurt out a steady stream of air at a very fast, uncontrollable rate. However, I was rushing, so I wouldn't bet on the integrity of these things. Knocking the valves off might make it explode, too." Gast explained. "In short, do not kick, pound, cuddle, lick, or threaten them with sharp pointy sticks. We just want to be safe, here."

The professor hooked up the tanks. "There. All set." Vincent walked up to the funny clothed Cid and said, "Don't you make me die in this dump."

"Mrrphm mrph, mpphmum ummph mrph mrph mrphm mrph."

"He said 'It's a bar, bar, wetter thing that I glue as I have never glued before.' Freak."

Gast sighed. "More truer last words were never spoken…"

Cid was absorbed with green as they opened the door and watched him take off.

'Green, $$$in' green is all I can #$in' see. I could keep &#$$in' walkin' like this for months!' Our hero thought, 'I need to $#$$in' figure out how to navigate, I can't see shit fer shotglasses in this mess. Hey, there's a door. Wonder how far I've gotten…'

Cid opened the door, and he fell into the Warriors Guild, where Blip screamed: "Good God! It's a monster! Somebody kill it!"

Cid almost had a heart attack as the fat Guildmaster screamed like a little girl. He took off his helmet and smiled cheerfully. "Just yer #$$$in' Savior, Cid, here!"

"Cid!" Shera squealed happily. She jumped over the counter and over towards Cid. "Cid, there's something I need to tell you-"

"Shera, can it #$$$in' wait? I'm kinda trying to save everyone's life, here."

"That's just it, I may never get another chance to tell you! Cid, I lo-"

SLAM!

The door slammed shut as Blip walked back into the Guild, covered in gelatinous green stuff. "See, I told you it wouldn't kill me to mail my letter. Now the bills will be paid. ON TIME. Who's Lil' Miss Smarty Pants now?"

Cid cocked his head to one side. "Wait, why aren't you dead? I thought for sure you'd be digested by the #$$$in' enzymes! I'm soooo #$$$in' disappointed, now!"

Blip scoffed at his question. "Psssh! Have you seen the size of it? It's all… diluted. It would take hours of exposure to singe your hair! Besides, thanks to my years of constant battle, my skin has become a rock-hard substance that no mere pathetic enzyme can… you know, actually, my skin does feel a little tingly… I'd better go clean off before- whoops! My pants are dissolving." Pulling up his britches, the Guildmaster ran off into his room.

"Cid, about that thing-"

**SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!**

"It'll have to wait, Shera. That slime's pissed, and I have a town to save."

He nobly replaced his helmet, his theme song playing heroically in the background. Blip came back with new pants and a compass. "Okay, Cid, here's a compass," he handed Cid the device as he made his way out. "the Forest of the Ancients is to the west. Don't do anything I'd do, and have fun!"

"Cid, WAIT!" Shera cried.

But it was too late. Cid was gone in the thick green snot-slime. "I… like… you." She said to no one in particular. "Yeah, I like him, too. He's a swell guy." Blip replied.

"Tell me, how'd you ever become Guildmaster?"

Blip shrugged. "Everyone else died?"

"How'd you like to be next?"

"Eeep!"


	18. But it's shiny!

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

Do I look fat in this?

Anyway, about the whole Grandpa Cid thing…

As much as I love Grandpappy Cranky, he won't come in until a lil' later…

But he will come back in. And he will be senile.

Wanna know what's gotten me to update now? The comment: "I almost forgot about this fic. ALMOST." But once school starts, I can promise nuttin', guys.

Homework's a cruel bitch.

One of you reviewers are making me nervous. It's not a good thing for me to be nervous. You know who you are. Back off.

This one's dedicated to all you wunnerful, wunnerful reviewers. I love you all. Unless one of you's a guy. Then... that person is... a very nice... perosn.

Yeah...

**Disclaimer: **…to fwee, or not to fwee, that is the fwoo.

**END OF AUTHOR'S NOTES**

'_What the #$$$? This compass ain't worth jack at findin' SHIT!'_ Cid thought to himself. _'I got a better way of findin' where the mother#$$$ I am.'_

Cid floated up the slime (ew.) until he reached the top of the monstrous bubble. "Hell, I can see my house from here… or… at least what's left of it. Damn, glad I've got State Farm Insurance."

Meanwhile, at State Farm…

"Ha! Those suckers never looked for a killer ball of slime destroying their homes in their insurance plan! Suckers!"

Back with Cid…

A murder of crows flew a little above Cid's head. "Shit! Those are some low flyin' birds… they're out of season, too!" He turned around, and was hit in the face by a crow. "Crap! It's #$$$in' dangerous out here!" The man dove back into the green mass and sighed in relief. "#$in' safer, down here…"

"**RWOOOOOOAR!"**

"What the $$'s that sound? Maybe getting' so grotesquely large's bringin' PAIN to the lil' dude."

"**RWOOOOOOOOAR!"**

"Or… indigestion. Lemme think, if I were a giant slime devourin' every #$$#in' thing in my path, what would give me indi-#$$$in'-gestion…" Cid shook his head. "Ninjas."

At the Thieves Guild…

A line of ninjas were waiting to run out of the door of their Guild.

"Um, sir," One of the ninjas confronted Mervin (remember him?), "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"There's not a problem in the world that can't be solved by throwing a bunch of ninjas at it." Mervin replied, as the sounds of "I'm melting!" rang in the background.

Back with Cid…

'_Green, green, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. What I wouldn't give right now for a familiar face… well rub my balls 'n' make me a milkshake!'_ Cid thought as he came across a very familiar sight.

"Elena! You're alive!" Cid cried, then noticed what it was wedged into. "…and you've killed Escape Dummy." He removed Elena from Escape Dummy, and continued on.

He kept trekking on until he came across a giant, translucent bubble. "Hell yeah, that's what I call an air bubble!" Cid entered the massive sphere, but was sorry he did.

"Well it's about time someone came to rescue me!"

Murk stood a couple of feet away from a pillar of goo that had, incased inside it, Holy.

"Well, who do I owe the thanks of rescu-" Murk began as Cid took off his helmet. "Oh. It's you."

"Heeey, that's not very nice! I'm here to rescue the materia, not you! I thought you'd be digested by now!"

"Elfin cloak. Lighter than a feather, stronger than steel. Not even a ten thousand pound booger can't mess with Elfin ingenuity. I held my breath until I found this bubble. What's your plan to get us out of here, smartass?"

Cid chuckled. "Heh, heh, y'know, I didn't think of one. I didn't think I'd get this far. Silly me, huh?"

"So how big's this slime getting?"

"Getting' #$$$in' bigger 'n' bigger. It's eaten half the goddamn town!"

"Holy $$ing shitcrap! My-er-the bar! Dammit! This is all your fault!"

"My #$ing fault! The bar is on the west side of town, anyway. The giant booger's only gotten the #$in' east side. And it is SO not my fault!"

"If you hadn't push me out of the way and saved my life, the slime would've eaten _me_ instead of Holy!"

Cid pointed angrily at Murk, mouth open to argue, then his face of anger turned into shock. "…got me there. Well, is that Holy? Why haven't you #$$#in' taken it out and left?"

"And go where? I'm STUCK here! I would've left if I could've!"

"But you could've ended all this by taking Holy out of that pulsating nasty thing."

"Are you out of your mind! A magic that powerful isn't going to be separated that easily. It could do nothing. Or, it could cause an explosion that could end all life itself. That's just a risk I'm not willing to take!"

Cid smiled and pulled out Elena. "I am."

Cid stuck Elena into the pulsating nasty thing, and tried to pull Holy towards him. "I really don't think this is a good idea…"

"Shut the hell up. I've almost got it."

Cid finally pulled Holy out of the green column, and showed it to Murk. "See? #$$$in' told you."

**RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!**

"Put it back! Put it back!"

"Well duh!" Cid quickly popped the blue orb back into the pulsating pillar.

**RUMBLE, RUMBLE!**

"What the #$$$ gives! I put the goddamn thing back!"

"Too late! The magic tether's been cut!"

**RUMBLE!**

"This place is going to explode! Soon!" Murk continued.

"No shit, Sherlock! Wait… that gives me an idea!"

"What? No shit?"

"No!"

"Sherlock?"

"No! The explosion thingy. Take off your cloak."

"Get bent, pervert."

"Look, we need to get out of here, and I need that cloak!"

"It'll take more than imminent death for me to give up my secret identity to you!"

**RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!**

"Here, I have another idea…"

Moments later…

"Are you done yet?"

Cid had his back to Murk, and he turned around.

"You laugh, you die." Murk said. She was dressed in the diving suit, and Cid was in his knickers. (insert wolf whistle here)

Cid nodded, and got behind Murk.

"What're you doing back there?" She asked.

"You don't wanna know." Cid replied.

"What's this plan of yours?"

"You don't wanna know."

Murk turned. "Why? I mean, what could be worse than being smothered by a fifty-ton snot-ball?"

"Well," Cid began, "there could be a device on yer back that'll go off 'n' send yer bloody body parts to different ends of the goddamn earth."

"Yeah, but what're the chances of that?"

"You don't wanna know."

Cid tied himself to Murk. "Can't you tie yourself to someone else?"

**RUMBLE!**

"Argh! Great shitcakes of fire! It's startin' an' I'm not ready!" Cid shouted over the bellowing of the exploding slime.

The conduit in the air bubble glowed brightly as Holy made the slime tremble and…

"I think it's time to go."

**RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!**

POP!

Cid and Murk soared through the slime and into the air as our hero threatened the air tank on the mercenary's back.

Meanwhile, in the town…

A small group of townspeople stood in front of the gigantic slime, staring at it in awe as it quivered and threatened to explode.

"Fear not, helpless and feeble citizens!"

The group turned, and a little boy pointed at the figure that spoke. "Look, it's the Silvah Knight!"

"Pointing is impolite, citizen." The pink-clad defender of good replied, pointing at the boy. "I shall slay the beast with my loyal and noble sword tempered in righteousness!" He lunged at the giant green blob, and poked it with his red sword.

Bloop.

At this time, the slime exploded because the magical tether between it and Holy had been officially severed.

Back with Cid…

"Uh-oh," Murk began, "we're slowing down!"

"We're runnin' outta #$$$in' air pressure! Brace yer #$#$in' self!"

The duo began their freefall to back to earth. At this point, one can only remember the part in _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ where the missile gets turned into a sperm whale.

"Pull the goddamn sting on the backpack!" Cid hollered at the suited woman, who was screaming her head off. She did, and Murk's cloak puffed out like a parachute.

Murk was shocked. Cid was pleased.

"How'd you think of this?" She asked the man hanging below her on his rope. "Light as a feather, stronger than steel. Can't beat Elvin ingenuity." Cid replied to her.

Meanwhile, at Skishies HQ…

The party was at its peak. Everyone was wearing masks and hats, and were having a genuinely good time. Sid was wearing a Groucho Marx mask. Tooey was wearing an eyepatch.

"Sir, something is happening to the slime!"

Then the slime exploded.

Tooey sighed. Green goo was everywhere. "Every time I try to throw a party… okay, clean up, people. I'm going to eat the last of the Doritos."

And hence the scrubbing began. It was a heroic scrubbing, and many a valiant minion died attempting to scrub the green off of the donkey for "Pin the Tail on the Donkey".

"Sir, there's something shiny in the punch!" the minion from earlier called out to Tooey.

"Minion, since you are new here, I'm going to let this slacking slide- did you say shiny!"

Tooey rushed forward and collected the blue orb in the punch. Tooey had Holy.

"This will go great in my collection of shiny things!"

"Shouldn't we report it to Tookie-Tookie?"

"But it's shiny!"

Back with Cid…

"Christ, I can't #$$$ing WAIT to get back on the ground!" Cid muttered to himself as they glided to earth. "Heh, funny you should say that…" Murk replied as she took a dagger out of her pocket. "'Cause this is where you get off!" The non-magical tether between Cid and imminent death had been severed.

Our hero plummeted to earth, screaming as he went. Then he hit a duck, flipped, and was now falling head-first to the ground. "What're the odds?"

Sploot!

Cid landed in the hole where they had first found Holy, where the slime was still takin up all of the space. It made for a very slimy, sticky landing.

**EXIT FLASHBACK**

"So that's how you saved the world the first time?"

THWACK!

"I saved the mother#$$$in' town! T-O-W-N! Town. Bitch." Grandpa Cranky- WHACK- I mean Cid shouted at his good-for-nothing grandson. "I didn't even get #$in' credit for it. #$$$#ers. They all thought the Silvah Knight had gotten rid of Snot."

The decrepit Grandfather sighed. "Not even Vinnie the #$$$tard believed my story. Hearin' that Murk was a bitch seemed to offend his sissy sensibilities. Anyway, I wanted to give Snot a proper burial, so Gast 'n' I gather some remains 'n' put 'em in a beaker.

My house was eaten, but Blip the dumbass happened to have a spare room in the Guild for me."

**ENTER FLASHBACK**

"All I get is a trashcan?"

"That's your toilet."

"This room is completely unlivable!" Cid shouted at Blip.

"Oh, I don't know about that. A dab of paint, remove the rusty nails, couple throw pillows, could be a pretty nice place."

Cid crossed his arms. "Uh-uh. I'd be more comfortable livin' inna grue infested cave!"

Blip sighed. "Ah, those were the days."

…

"So, uh, throw pillows, huh?"


	19. The Bar pt 1

**Author's Notes:**

Ah, yes, it's good to be back. Mind you, this update does not signify the beginning of a new stream of more updates; it's just my way of saying:

Happy Birthday, Lace. Just in case my other present sucked, here's this backup. Love you!

Disclaimer: Wow. If this isn't redundant by now, then I have no idea what is.

**End Author's Notes**

Remember when…

We last left our heroes at Cid's new house… thing, a tiny storage room that Blip gave him in exchange for being his general self… and the fact that his house was eaten alive by an enormous slimeball named Snot.

BACK TO THE NEWNESS!

Shera entered the barren, ugly, and terrible room looking flustered and extremely annoyed. "There you two are!" She shouted. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"…and spackle!" Cid said excitedly as he and Blip continued discussing their plans for renovation.

"Well naturally." Blip replied, and Shera interrupted the conversation.

"Cid, a package just arrived for you at the front desk."

"Thanks. I'll be sure to check up on it."

Silence.

"So… didn't you have something to talk to me about?" Cid asked, trying to break the silence.

"So it's only important when the town isn't in danger? Go to hell you self-serving bastard!" The woman cried and stormed out the room.

"Only one creature scares Bloated Blip the Dumbass-edly Courageous and you just went and pissed her off!" Blip scolded. "Way to go, smarass."

"Well, I guess I should $in' go an' collect the damn package." Cid replied after another moment of extreme awkwardness.

"What do you think it is?" Blip asked.

"Knowin' my luck, it's pro'ly a damned bomb or a flesh-eatin' virus, or some shit like that."

"Oh come on." Blip said as they exited the room. "It can't be that bad."

"Well lemme see. My first damned quest was supposed to be in' easy. I ended up fightin' Murk. My second $#in' quest ended up wit' half the town destroyed and me savin' Murk. If that ain't bad luck, I don't know what #$$$in' is."

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad."

The green bottle filled with the remains of Snot shook on the trash can -- er, toilet -- and two eyes opened and observed the world around them.

As Cid made it to the entrance, Shera had beaten him there and was at her usual place behind the receptionist's desk. "So where's the #$#in' package?"

"Wow." Shera replied. "You really are blind and stupid. It's the huge crate blocking the door."

Cid walked up to the box and ripped off a note that was attached to it. "Everyone." He said quietly, eyes saucers of trepidation. "Step away from the box slowly."

"Why?"

"It's from Murk."

Everyone dived behind the counter, and a great idea hit Cid in the nuts. Slowly… slowly… he pushed Escape Dummy up beside the crate.

"What do you think is in it?" Blip asked nervously.

"Probably a man-eating lava monster straight from hell." Shera said. "If it burns this place down and I collect my insurance, I can retire."

"Wait…" Blip thought for a moment. "But it's my guild. Why would you own the insurance?"

"Don't ask questions and don't get answers you don't want."

Escape Dummy simply sat there.

"#$#$$in' DO something!" Cid murmured, and he threw Elena at ED. He missed by a long shot, and the stick whizzed by and knocked the crate open.

Gasps were heard. All in the building held their breath.

"I have to say, I'm slightly under whelmed." Cid spat dryly. Inside the crate stood the same suit that he had used to navigate through the murky depths of the slime. "Read the note again." Blip urged, and Cid obliged.

"Dear Cid,

I'm surprised you survived that fall. I don't want to keep your stupid monkey suit. Please take it back. I will never forget that you saved my life. When I kill you, it will be quick and painless, though I can't guarantee the painless part.

Love and kisses for all,

Murk"

"Do you know what this means?" Cid asked Blip joyously.

"That she has a crush on you?"

"…she?" Shera said, confused and in a daze from what she just heard.

"No!" Cid replied. "It #$$$in' means I saved the town! Not that jackass Silvah Knight! It shows that he couldn't tell his ass from a damned hole in the ground."

"Hey, way to go, guy!" Blip cheered. "We should give you some guild points or something, right Shera?"

"Crush?" The stunned receptionist asked herself.

"Hey, I wouldn't say no to a toilet." Cid replied, and Blip left to, he said, bust out the streamers and New Years hats from two years ago that never got used.

"Cid, is Murk really a girl?" Shera asked in a concerned voice. "How do you know? Do you have feelings for her?"

"What? #$$$ no! She's tried to kill me, like, ten damned times! That's a total turnoff."

"What about her? Does she have any feelings for you?"

"Unless you count cold-blooded murder as a $in' sign of #$#$in' affection, then I doubt it very much. What's with the damned questions?"

"I'm… uh… trying to assess the danger scenarios. So… do you have anyone special in your life?"

"Hey, Sweetcheeks!" Kuja greeted warmly as he kicked open the door.

"Shit, he don't count, do he?"

"Who's this fruit?" Shera asked wryly.

"This is Kuja. He owns the #$in' Jewelry Store." Cid replied in a manner that mimicked hers.

"EX-'owns the #$in' Jewelry Store." Kuja replied. "After the Skishies made off with the precious shiny, faith in the store dropped."

"Look, dammit, it ain't my #$in' fault!" Cid replied, and Timmy entered the room with a bottle of booze in one hand and a magnum in the other. "It was Murk, she #$in'…"

"It's okay, babe. I didn't really like working there anyway."

"Oh. Well you shoulda $$in' told me that before. Bitch. I coulda weaseled outta an apology."

"I said it was okay." Kuja said, ignoring Cid's comment. "The place was eaten by the slime, anyway. I inherited the insurance money and now I'm richer than I'd ever have been before. I pick up the money tomorrow! Anyhoo, the reason why I dropped by was to let you know I got a new job at the new bar opening across town."

"As a male stripper?" Shera asked.

"How'd you know!" Kuja exclaimed, eyes shining brightly. "I could just stay at home with all my money, but what can I say? I love helping people. I'm here to invite you to the grand opening on Friday. Not everyone can get in that night."

"We'd love to go!" Shera shrieked happily.

"What? But I thought… maybe that… I didn't… know you… two were, uh, _together,_ together."

"You heard my whore. WE'D love to go." Cid butted in quickly.

"Okay, remember, it's formal dress and-"

"Yeah, yeah. I heard yea." Cid replied angrily, and booted the fruit-- er, man out the door. "Damn. I thought he'd never go. Thanks fer the help back there."

"It'll be fun." The receptionist replied, smiling as she leaned back in her chair.

"Wait, what? You don't expect to go, do you?" Cid inquired. "I thought you were just covering my ass out there."

"I was." The woman replied. "But we just got invited to the most glamorous event this town has ever had. You'd have to be a fool not to go."

"I must be a damned fool, then, 'cause I ain't goin' there 'less my ass is in mortal ass peril."

Suddenly, Blip ran into the main entrance. "There you are! I just got word that there's a grand opening at the bar downtown, and I want the two of you to go in-cog-neeeto. I've already developed a plan for you two to get in. Shera, you dress as a maid and bribe the doorman to let you in the back door. Once inside, you will bus tables for a few hours until suspicion dies down. Then you will sneak into the kitchen and open the freezer. Cid will have been smuggled in earlier, disguised as an ice sculpture of an Amazon Penguin Princess Unicorn. You will pour hot, boiling Ramen onto the frozen Cid, thawing him. Cid, once you're awake, you will proceed to beat a patron senseless and steal his pants--"

"Or we could just $$$in' walk through the front door." Cid mused.

"What? What kinda poppycock is that? Who died and made you Guildmaster? Huh? Huh? Huh! Didn't think so, smarass. Anyway, you'll use the pants to distract the cook…"

"Look, we really do have tickets. We can literally #$$$in' break-#$#$in'-dance into the place and they can't do nothin' to us."

"But… the Amazon Penguin Princess Unicorn ice sculpture…"

"#$$in' no."

"…"

"…"

"Well, have fun Friday, then." And with that, the Guildmaster skipped away.

"He… he wasn't serious about that… was he?" Cid asked Shera timidly.

"Do you want the truth, or do you want or sleep tonight?"

Cid proceeded to drag his "fugly monkey suit" into his inhospitable room. "Home… #$$$in' hideous home." He murmured, and threw the suit into a corner. Taping the glass of the now eyeless Snot bottle, he whispered, "Sorry, Mr. Slime Remains, I ain't sleepin' in this shithole tonight. Blip gave me some bread to sleep at an damned inn fer tonight only. It's gettin' late, so I'd better mosey my ass over there. Timmy's commin', too, so yer alone tonight. Don't worry, though. Tomorrow I'll give yea a proper burial." Cid left, and Snot's eyes returned.

"M…eep?"

**PART ONE OF THE LACEY BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR COMPELTE.**


	20. Return of the Slime and TookieTookie

b AUTHOR'S NOTES /b 

b I have updated. /b 

Yes. Amazing, I know. But it's for a special occasion. Seeing as how I forgot to complete Part 2 of the Lacey Birthday Spectacular, that's what this is. The next chapter will be an Anniversary Present type thing… it's complicated… so don't ask. I might continue updating, but don't advertise about it. That would just make me look like a damn fool.

b END AUTHOR'S NOTES /b 

It was dawn of the next morning, and Cid decided to sleep in. At home in the cozy rooms in the bar owned by Beatrix, the . Little did he know, however, he was sleeping amongst a sea of empty beer bottles, cigarette packages, fancy women's underwear, catering bills, and phone numbers. Blip had given him a blank check on accident, and so, naturally, Cid took advantage of it. His exact words were, while exiting the Fighter's Guild: "I don't get paid enough fer this bull#$$$… HOLY SWEET MARY OF JOSEPH! A blank #$$$# check!"

Satan put another tally on his chalkboard…

While Cid slept, however, another customer was checking out. It was none other than Kuja, bright and cheery. He approached Beatrix and rapped on the bar to get her attention.

"Oh," she said, "hello, Mr. Kuja. Are you checking out? How did you find everything?"

"Absolutely splendiferous!" Kuja announced with a smile. "The dinner was fantastic! I've never had such a tasty Chocobo before."

"Well our chef is one of the best in the business."

In the kitchen…

Barry the Chopper happily hacked through every slab of meat in sight. Barry loved slicing up meat. Diced, minced, sliced, if it ended in "ced", Barry had done it to some type of meat product. Barry loved his job as the Head Chef and Butcher of the inn. But soon, cows and pigs weren't enough for Barry anymore. He started roaming the streets at night after night. Eventually, Barry was arrested, but before that there were up to twenty-three people who had become his victims! He struck fear in the hearts of the citizens. That man was of course sent to the gallows.

That was creepy and on the edge of copyright infringement. Quickly, back to the bar.

"Say, I just got a new job over at that new place down the way. I was wondering, I know we should technically be business enemies, but I was wondering if you'd like to come on opening night on Friday? You've just been so nice to me and provided such great service that I'd like to return the favor."

"Of course!" Beatrix said, and smiling, Kuja set off.

"Heh… wouldn't miss it for the world." She added, her face a twisted, evil grin.

Later (as in 3 o'clock-ish), Cid awoke and check out, returning to the Fighter's Guild and his shitty hole-in-the-wall dwelling. "…#$#." He said. "I shoulda bought something' fer the room…"

"Welcome home!" Blip welcomed. "What do you think, Cid? I spent all night redoing the floors and walls! This place looks better than my room now! It was grueling, but you saved the town, so I figured you were in for some kind of reward." He smiled proudly as Cid leered wickedly. "I'm especially grateful for the tasty drink you left me! Really hit the spot!"

"…two things, lard#$." Cid began, his cigarette burning dangerously low. One, you didn't do nothin' to the room except draw a big $in' picture of a big #$$#in' moogle on the wall with a big $#in' Sharpie. Two: what drink?"

"You know, that Green Lime fruit drink you left on your toilet."

By toilet, of course, Blip meant trash can which was i supposed /i to serve the angry, stubble engulfed man as his defacation device. I am sorry to announce it was only used as such twice. The records of these events have since been burned and destroyed for very, very good reasons.

I'll give you a hint: one involves Heideggar.

Anyway, in the glass that was meant to serve Cid's squishy, slimy friend as a makeshift casket was completely empty. There wasn't even a drop of green "lime juice" left to be considered green "lime juice".

"…please tell me that the drink you #$$in' consumed was not $#$$in' from this bottle."

"It's not a problem that I drank your drink, is it? I'm sorry…"

"It wasn't no #$in' drink! That was my slime's $in' remains! I was gonna $$in' bury him today!"

"Really? You sure know how to make delicious friends!"

"I will break your arm. You got ten seconds to shut up."

"Look, I'm sorry about eating your friend. It was an honest mistake that could've happened to anyone!"

"Yeah. 'Cause everyone $in' drinks random green potions sittin' on people's shitters."

"Well, here's something to cheer you up." Blip said, honestly attempting to make the crestfallen Cid feel better. "In order to justify you living here to the Fighting Union and Council Kin, or F. U. C. K, I've bumped you up to level two. However, because of over budgeting, you have to share your room. And it just so happens that your cousin came to town and will be staying with you. How convenient is that?"

"The $$ are you talkin' 'bout? I'm a goddamn orphan and don't have no damn extended family!"

"Well speak of the devil!" Blip said as the door opened and a figure stepped in. "Here he is. Now you two have some catching up to do, so I'll leave you. Have fun!"

The figure was tall. Green. And said "meep".

"Wait. This is my $#$$in' cousin?"

"Yup. Markus Snotbugger."

"…you notice anything… different 'bout that drink last night?"

"Well… now that you mention it, I found it both great tasting and less filling."

"Hm…" Cid turned his attention to his "cousin". "You pulled the #$in' switcheroo, didn't'cha? What was in there? St. Patrick's Day beer?"

"Meep." Markus replied.

"Is that a #$#$in' yes or a #$#$in' no?"

"Actually," Blip piped in, "he said you were talking crazy."

"You can #$#$in' understand it?"

"Understand what?"

"#$$$$$$$$$in'!"

"Well, I leave you two kids to get reacquainted with each other. Toodles!"

"He ain't my cousin! He ain't even $#$in' human!"

Blip was gone before he could hear.

"Marcus Snotbugger?" Cid asked the green figure. "Mucus Snot Booger? You feel proud that you thought that up all by yerself, don'tcha?"

"Meep."

"Why ain'tchoo dead yet? I blew you up into a billion #$#$in' pieces."

Silence.

"#$$#$#$#! You don't think there're more of 'em, do ya?"

Silence.

"Nah. I'm prolly just #$#$$in' lucky."

Meanwhile, in the forest…

The Silvah Knight fended himself from countless small, green, squishy slimes.

"Foul enemies of Justice! Cease wiggling and accept your fate!"

Later, back at the Fighter's Guild…

"So how're Cid and his cousin getting along?" Blip asked Shera as he entered the lobby.

"Not good." The secretary replied. "They're constantly fighting. What are you going to do?"

"Nothing. These things tend to work themselves out. So long as no one does anything irrational, nothing could possibly go wrong!"

In Cid's bedroom, however, things were gong wrong.

"This is MY damn side of the room, and that's YOUR damn side!" He shouted, pointing at the large white line he had painted down the middle. "STAY OFF!"

"Meef."

Cid ran downstairs in a huff, straight to the lobby. Apparently the slime had said something about his mother being an antelope. "I'ma #$#$in' kill that thing in it's sleep…" He muttered to himself.

"Cid!" Shera called to him. "The Guildmaster wants you."

"What for?"

"How should I know, dumbass? I'm just the receptionist."

"Not so snaky, Sparky."

"Shut up or your cousin won't be the only one dying in his sleep."

"He ain't my #$#$in' cousin!"

"Yeah. And I have a job. Now go see Blip! He's in the armory. Now hurry!"

Cid headed down the hallway, past the sauna and the evil monkey room and turned left into the armory.

"You #$#$in' wanted to see me?" He asked Blip, who was surrounded by countless large, shiny, powerful weapons.

"Why yes!" Blip replied. "Since you've gone up a rank, it's time to upgrade your weaponry." He picked up a ratty old scabbard and a with a wooden hilt sticking out of it. "Here's the Mystical Sword of Illusion." He then assumed what was thought to have been a vain attempt at a spooky face and made "Oooooo!" sounds. Nevertheless, Cid accepted the sword grudgingly, unsheathing it…

…only to find that there was no blade attached to the hilt. "What #$#$in' sword?" He shouted. "This is a damn hilt glued to a scabbard!"

"You should be grateful!" Blip lectured sternly. "Swords are dangerous!"

Meanwhile, at Skishy HQ…

Tooey looked happily at the beautiful scenario below his castle's balcony and sighed, smitten with delight. "Ah, it's such a beautiful day." He said, returning to his bedroom. "It's days like these where you realize how lucky you are to be alive… nothing could go wrong today." He passed his mirror and then stopped, admiring his metal reflection. "Well hello, handsome."

"Hello, Tooey." A terrible, ominous voice replied, and Tooey's reflection transformed into a dark, shadowy figure that had sent him a moose last Christmas.

"Aw, nuts."

The figure was none other than Tookie-Tookie, and he was as pissed as ever. "When were you planning on telling me about the jewel."

"OH! That…. I was planning on telling you but it… was… so shiny!"

"No matter. I have the jewel now, but you are being demoted."

"DEMOTED? You can't demote me! I have union rights! Besides, who would replace me?"

"Call me Boss." A third voice chimed in behind Tooey. He turned around and saw Sid in all his angry, tea-drinking glory. "NO! Not him! Anyone but him!"

Tookie-Tookie merely laughed.


End file.
